Sunday, August 01, 2010

Caught. Fantastic.

Had such a fantastic weekend! listened to free blues in the park with my girls, Mom and I met Tori Spelling at her book signing (yeah, we're cool like that), an evening of playing cards with my girlies and the momma, and then today I spent with Kelsey shopping it up at the Nordstrom anniversary sale. AMAZING find of a NON wool winter coat with a hood. Barely buttons over my huge boobs, but I got it anyway. I really really need one and need to accept the fact that nothing will fit over those suckers and then slim correctly over my smaller waist. Oh the woes of being an hourglass bombshell;)

Spending time with the loves of my life was exactly what I needed...always trying to keep busy with happy things and not wallow in my depression of being unemployed-broken hearted-mom on chemo-all my friends are far away-broke-BLEH.
Much more fun to laugh and love<3

A Moment: We were just finishing up the jazz festival and we were all talking and laughing...I may have drank half a bottle of delicious red wine but was ok for the most part. Then, without warning, a flood of emotions overwhelmed my heart and Annie caught me staring into space with a look like I was about to cry. Probably because I was about to cry.
"aww whats wrong, you just got so sad"
"ohhh yeah...sorry...that happens sometimes...there is a lot to be sad about...Im fine...sorry"

Want to know what I was thinking?
What five words I've been echoing in my head when I dont even realize it?
What keeps me up at night?
Out of everything going on in my life, what won't leave me alone?

Why doesn't he love me?

Even now I get teary eyed because all of my pain and hurt ultimately lead to that question every time.
I mean really, why?
I just keep reminding myself how awesome I am and that someone out there will realize that and treat me right, I know it will happen. But for this moment. This echo. It just really hurts.

This week is our 2nd to last chemo week for the momma. I haven't written about this AT ALL because the blog wasn't anonymous and I wanted to respect my moms privacy, she doesn't want it all over FB. But now that we're here. I've written a little blurb about it here if you want to know more. So besides being at the clinic all day this week, I've decided to try my hand at quilting. I've been meaning to take my old band shirts and make them into a quilt for using for picnics and such...I dont know how to quilt of course, but I sure am going to try. I dont even know how to sew. And Im going to have to conquer my fear of sewing machines. So it should be interesting.


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