Sunday, August 15, 2010

As if I Couldn't Get More Broken

So its 12:28am. While I wait for my tylenol PM to kick in...I cant think of anything else to help me process but this. was Jesse and Jordans surprise engagement party, yay! It was pretty fun and I drank a lot...because, well, I can. I've been thinking of Number 2 all day and how weird it is that he hasn't called me all week...I havent been texted, IMed, called, or anything since the wedding. So I ventured to call him after Annie drove me home (yeah, drank too much) and we just chatted for awhile...mostly him talking about himself.

Then it came out.

Conversation goes something along the lines texting him on the day of the wedding is the reason he hasn't called me all week. And he doesn't want to talk to me and essentially doesn't really care how Im doing. Please note, Im not exaggerating. I am simply paraphrasing his exact words to me. Then his phone ran out of battery which he warned me may happen. I of course started to bawl my eyes out and called Cassie all the way in Sweden because it was 11:30pm here and she's the only one awake, plus I love her more than life itself. Even now, I sit here tears streaming from my eyes as I attempt to understand how a human being can be so cruel to someone who cares so much about them. I considered the day after the wedding texts that they may have been weird and maybe I should apologize...but really, I was honost about how I felt. I shouldn't feel bad about expressing my feelings to him. And I wasn't THAT drunk at the time...OR when I was just talking to him. I was just at that point where you say what you really feel. Which I said to him earlier, "so your upset that I told you how I felt? Im not allowed to have feelings?"

And you read my posts, you can see that I have been trying not to write about him and have been trying to put myself out there and meet new people. But really. I still think about him. Not nearly as much as I used too...but I still do. And at the wedding as I thought about what I would do for my wedding...I still imagined him there. And even when I get excited about dating someone new I still think of it as being temporary because I "know" me and Number 2 will get back together eventually.

Why do I keep going back for more?
Why do I keep putting myself in a position to get hurt and disappointed by him over and over again?
Why am I doing this to myself?

And to be honost, I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that its taking me so long to get over him. That someone who has hurt me so deeply still has such a hold over me and I still let make me cry. I feel weak and stupid and powerless. And I feel so alone I almost forgot Bella was here. I almost forgot that I could have called any of my girls and they would have talked to me crying all night...11:30p or not. I always apologize over and over again to Annie whenever I have a break down, "Im so sorry Im so emotional and dramatic (insert tears)" and she always says "WHY are you sorry? DONT be sorry!" and essentially says
"I love you. your normal. Im here for you" And yet Im still embarrassed that this so called "independent woman" can be so beat down by a douche bag who treats her like shit.

Im not sure I've accurately expressed the hurt Im feeling at the moment. Im pretty sure hearing that from ANYONE would deeply wound someone...let alone the one person you have let yourself love your entire adult life. And every time he hurts me I cant even function because everything else in my life comes crashing down in my head going through chemo...not having a job or being able to teach...being broke...being alone...having so many friends be so far away...that list you push in the back of your head CRASHES into every pore of your being when he rejects you AGAIN.

I was trying to think of something to text him...but decided he didn't deserve a response from me. So thats it. Im not going to call or text him, he can just go fuck himself.

all I keep thinking is, "WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?"

and really, there is no reason. I am perfectly wonderful. I really am.

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