Friday, October 30, 2009


I had a plan devised.
I thought I had him all figured out.
This stuff is so complicated.
I was pretty sure after the "i dont want to be in a relationship because im moving" talk, I was positive he didnt actually like me that much and just wanted someone around to sleep with on a regular basis without a commitment, and uh hello, thats so NOT me. (For the record, we havent slept together, as if that was even a question. Some of us are still classy ladies and still believe in love.) So the plan was to tell him, I think we just want different things but besides a relationship, if your willing to just hang out and have fun...and not uh, just want to get into my pants, then im ok with that too. The plan was foolproof! uh, not so much.

He got the cold thats been going around, so he's all sick in bed and cant really talk but "wanted to talk because he missed me" (I know) so we did it old school, high school version, and he made a date with me for AIM. which began at 9p and went into the wee hours of the morning. Yeah thats right, AIM. talk about classy! haha. So finally, we talked about everything on freaking AIM. and we realized it was ridiculous we were talking about something so serious on AIM, but for some reason it felt ok. And then I was able to avoid that, "im all twitterpated and cant talk" thing I get when Im around him...yeah, thats a real problem.
Things that were discussed that Im willing to share. Most of it was too sweet to share with everyone, I want to keep most of it in my heart (this is a sign?).
Some paraphrasing for your enjoyment:
"so what schools that your applying to, do you want to get into most?"
"USC & Notre Dame"
"and how come?"
"well USC because then I could make you my girlfriend, and Notre Dame to just get out of here"
"whoa. serious?"
"well, yeah. I really like you."
---After my heart stopped dancing around my rib cage, I continued with an explanation of how my life after graduation is very open and I can go anywhere and do anything I want too. How I can teach anywhere. NYC isnt a for sure thing. But even if it was, Im up for "falling in love" anyway, Im not going to hide in my room and avoid getting close to people because Im scared i might get hurt. But thats just me.


He also ensured me that if he just wanted someone to sleep with, he would have just gone to Pacific Beach (gross place in SD where all the partiers go. Its dirty and trashy, but all the college kids can be found there). and that he hasnt gotten into my pants yet, but hes still around. because he actually likes me. and is more than ok with me not being the kind of girl that sleeps with someone without being in love and in a seriously committed relationship. In fact, I think it made him like me even more.


remember how I always go into lala land around him. I also get really nervous and am pretty sure I sound stupid and ridiculous the entire time we're together even though Im trying really hard to be soooooo cool. So Ive been really concerned that he thinks im stupid, because hes really smart. One of my issues is that im constantly concerned that people think im stupid. Ive been battling it for a long time actually. I know Im not, and it makes me so angry when i sense someone thinks I am or if I think im acting silly or fun and they'll think im stupid...its weird, but we all have our issues. thats mine. SO then this happened:
"listing more things he likes about me (i know right, tough life I live here), then SMART comes up"
"really? because Im pretty sure I get all twitterpated and act like an idiot around you"
"no, no I know your smart. and your cute. and I love your heart"

that last one, MELTED ME. I DIE.

and thats all you get. There is so much more to tell, but it was just so intimate and sweet I want it all to myself. This gives you the basic idea of whats happening.

basically: we're falling for each other, and we're both scared. talk about it.

I love that I was wrong about him.

But dont worry, Im still guarding my heart. And I told him that. and "hes sorry everything's weird."

So 1am rolls around and I have to be up at 6a so he tells me to go to bed. So I do. And just as Im coming down from my float on a cloud of elation, he calls me. To say hes sorry we had to talk about everything on AIM. and that he really does think im beautiful (how is this my life). and good night.

ok men, my faith in you has been rejuvenated. Some of you may not be all that bad.

So here we are. I just keep telling myself,

"Love is the journey, not the destination"

and reminding myself not to get carried away by that dang elation cloud.


PS: enjoy these while they last, very soon they may be made super duper private. because. well. you know.

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