Anonymity

I am all about honesty. I tend to tell people exactly how I'm feeling and have a very small filter. It's a good quality I guess. I've had a public blog connected to my name for a few years now...but then my love life started to pick up and I wanted to write about it. Then my family decided to follow my blog. Then the guy I was writing about found my blog. So...that's enough of that. Instead of filtering my writing, we're off to a new fresh start. A new name. A new anonymity.

Things with the boy are still ridiculous. I've been really good about not calling him or texting him, he...not so much. He keeps calling and texting me and it totally lures me back in. I try not to pick up all the time...and I dont have my phone with me all the time "waiting" like the old days so I miss his calls a lot which is good too (I'm not good with phones). Last week we got into a huge fight (or intense discussion as I like to say) when we tried to just talk...I don't think he understands that I need time away from him so I can be his friend. I can't just switch everything off like that. All this time I've been hearing "I think you're awesome (insert a lot of nice things he loves about me here), I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm not saying never, just not right now while I figure all of this out". So to me, that meant give me a few weeks and then I'll get it together. right? And he still seemed into me calling me all the time...flirting...all up in my grill when we would hang out. I'm not crazy here. Finally it came out thats not what he meant...he meant not now...not in the near future...just maybe someday. He then listed all of his previous relationships and how they were friends and/or hook up buddies for a long time before they were something official...I used to think that was good thing, like there was hope for us and that we were building a relationship, now it sounds so immature and weird to me. HELLO your 27 years old and you have never just dated someone and then had her be your girlfriend...I know I dont have a ton of experience in this department, but I do know this isn't college anymore Bud. In real adult world we date other adults. Arg. We were spinning around talking and talking when "hey, can I call u right back...Arthur is calling" UH NO. But I said fine because I was hoping it would clear my head a little. Not only does he not call back and finish the discussion, but he doesn't call me the next day either. DOUCHE. So this is what I emailed him: (sometimes I email him instead of talking because I can think clearer).

Im glad you didn't call me back last night, I was exhausted and
although valid, it heightened my emotions. I just cried and went to
sleep, woke up feeling clearer in the head. (even though it was rude
of you to end our serious conversation to talk to Arthur and then not
call me back, jerkface) Ok, Im emailing you so I dont get all crazy.
First of all, you know how I feel about you, you have to understand
how hard this all is for me. You were the first boy I've loved as an
adult, the first boy I've been this intimate with, my best friend when
I've been going through so much, the first person I could see myself
marrying, you have been my rock. So just going from feeling all of
that and now trying to not feel that way about you is really difficult
and exhausting. Why do you think I've been so busy? To keep my mind
off of you. Why do you think I kissed another boy? To keep my mind off
of you. To feel pretty and desired and loved even if it was only for a
little while, because the boy I really wanted to be kissing doesn't
want to kiss me back. I'm dealing with being rejected Bud, with not
feeling good enough, along with everything else going on in my life
now I have to let this go too, it sucks and it hurts and I hate it but
Im dealing with it.

But more than anything, I do want to be in your life and I do want to
be your friend. We just need to go slow and you need to be patient
with me. I had zero intention of talking about any of that last night,
I was actually really excited to talk to you about our lives and
trying this friend thing.

Ok, I think thats all.

Except...I love you. And thats the last time Im going to say it.

-me

----
Note, the boy I kissed was a pretty Brazilian at the bachelorette party. Number 2 managed to get it out of me and wasn't very happy about it...even though he's been clear he doesn't want to be with me and has told me to date other people...so that was awesome.

ANYWAY. He never responded. Never mentioned it. Just texted me a little each day about random things since then.

To be continued...