Thursday, January 17, 2013


Love is so sweet.
Honestly, I just love having my man around. I can't believe how nervous I was for him to come and us to be together. Most of me knew it was going to be okay, but the nagging in the back of my head and the weird looks and comments from friends, strangers, and family about our situation left me often considering- maybe we ARE crazy? But gosh do we love life. Every moment together, even when we are fighting or just sitting and watching a movie feels special to me. Being able to check things off of my "do with bf" list every week. It's just such a special time, we feel like newlyweds. 

But boy does living with the man you love challenge you. Not in the way you would think, and the way I thought when people said living together is hard. It's not in the "don't leave your dishes in the sink!" way. That stuff we are figuring out and it never escalates  But in the way that...I am learning so much about myself already that I never noticed or knew before. Frustrating things I need to change in my life. Twice this week, and once in Mississippi I had one too many drinks and insulted my friend or the bfand then the bf accidentally. They both knew that I didn't mean to be so rude, and love me anyway, but bf called me out both times. And I have some serious issues with filtering things I say while drinking. I cried my eyes out both times because I felt so horrible. And hurting the people you love the most is heartbreaking to say the least. The bf told me straight up, "Sometimes I just don't think you filter what you say and realize it's going to hurt people". Damn. 

So I am taking the next steps ASAP. Firstly, limiting the amount of alcohol I drink for awhile. Half because of this and half because I want to lose some weight (more on that later). I am going to try and always stop at two except for special occasions when more might be necessary, such as a long evening event. I am also trying to be more aware of what I say, my tone, when I say things, etc. Apparently sometimes it's not what I say, but how I say it that hurts people or has pegged me as kind of a bitch. Finally, and most importantly as I feel rather overwhelmed by this personality change overload...I am praying. I learned long ago the only real way to make changes is to give it up and actively ask Jesus to do things in your life for you. I want to try and ask Him in the mornings and of course in the moment when I am struggling. If you aren't spiritual like this I understand, but even meditating when you are in tough situations is proven to make all the difference so I am not a crazy person here.

I also want to work on how I react to these situations. I was so upset every time I got called out for being a jerk. Although this is sadly a natural reaction, really I should have responded with a self-realization and change on my part. Not a cry fest and "I'm such a horrible person wahhhh" night. I am doing better now. Even writing this I am thankful for the exposure to the change I need to make in my life.Thankful to the moments when my love sweetly points out something I may want to work on. Thankful to God that these are the reasons he gives us other people so live and love so closely with. To make us into better people. 

I love that I now have a new years resolution that ISN'T about my weight and health. Of course that is a big one too since I gained about 15lbs last year, but I am tired of my outside being my biggest focus. I am thankful for something my inside gets to tackle for awhile. To top it off, I am also feeling drawn to doing some volunteer work with the bf. We both love kids and are really good with them, plus after so much practice in odd and potentially unusual situations, we could do a lot of good things for others and our hearts by doing a little service somewhere. So it would appear 2013 is about making over my inside a bit. Being more loving in what I say and do. And in turn being more loving to my body in what I give and do not give it. Looks like I have some work ahead of me.



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