Monday, January 14, 2013

Home for Keeps.

It's been much too long. Two weeks without writing leaves me itching every morning at work to shove my to do list to the corner and open this sweet blank page to attempt to express how much my life has changed in just the two weeks.

Quickly, a recap of our Mississippi to San Diego adventure. It was sweet to spend time with his family and the baby while I was there. He was able to mostly finalize a custody agreement with crazy baby mama (included plenty of crying and confessions from her on still "loving" him...awkward), but in order to do so, he had to leave me with his Dad and the baby at his house for an entire afternoon. Then the next day did it again to try and get the babies bed from her. So by the time we got to leave to start our trip, we were READY. Not ready to say good bye to little bear, but definitely ready to leave boring Tupelo, being around family ALL the time, and wanted to just spend some time together alone. We get to go get the little buddy at the end of next month or so, which we realized was better anyway. Time to get his room together and sort out day care for while he's here. It was hard to say good bye, especially since I could see he already has some security and attachment issues...not to mention not being on a schedule AT ALL which was baffling to this teacher/nanny. I will be glad when I can be a proper step mommy to him for awhile. We left and drove the entire 24 hours straight to Phoenix. I may have driven for like...6 of it. I was a horrible girlfriend and bf was pretty fussy with me toward the end. In my defense I felt like I was going to throw up most of the trip AND we drove through the night so I hadn't really slept and wanted to kill myself. We made it through! Mostly we were fine with just a few fussy moments as expected.

Afternoons of snuggling

Wearing Daddy's hat on the way to Nana and Papa's
When I gave him his Christmas present which I hear he has now worn out.

This one, KILLS ME.
However, something sweet but challenging happened on the last 2 hours from Tucson to Phoenix. Something I think required my love to be a little sleep deprived. And us to have so much alone time and empty space to fill. The something being: He told me everything he's never told anyone. And from someone in the Marines that's a BIG deal. Just imagine the things Marines have done and seen. The things that give them nightmares. The things that aren't supposed to traumatize them so they don't tell anyone that they do. Those things. All of it. Every last detail, every last emotion, everything. A few details he couldn't tell me since they were classified such as where and what the mission was for, but otherwise it was the first time he had ever been so honest with anyone. Afterwards and even over the next few days he would ask me things like, "So are you sure? With all of those things I told you, you aren't scared to be with me now?". How could he be any further from the truth. If anything, the honesty and trust he had finally built with me after over a year so he could tell me meant more than the content. I explained this and it's sweet to see him believe me now. I promised I would never tell anyone what he said, and I won't. But my love has gone through more than I ever thought.

Being with a military man is challenging in so many ways that are difficult to explain to anyone else not in this situation. We are trying to get together with some of his work friends and their wives so I can have some support and relationships with women I can relate to. Especially since he'll probably be deployed in September (Thank God not February like we originally thought!). I think I will be ok, but having women who feel the same things and I do and can talk about it I think will mean so much. They even have a new club they started which I might join! Most of these women don't work (in fact, everyone in his shop are married and all of their wives DON'T work. It's weird.) so they have time to plan and organize cute things which I will gladly take advantage of!

And so my dear friends, after this long while of being without my love. Being single and frustrated for so long before that. Being so hurt along the way. I am so so SO happy now. Content. Joyful every morning when I get my wake up kiss and cuddle. When I get to cook for him and hug him. When we come home and miss each other after working all day and just want to sit on the couch and snuggle and catch up. I am beyond blessed. And while our love and relationship is so sweet, it has also already challenged me in ways I never imagined. More on that to come.



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