Thursday, January 24, 2013

A Whole Heart.

The last 2 days have been rough. With my love getting so much crap from his work guys about the whole strip club debacle, he's been irritable and seems angry and frustrated with me. Then to top it off I have been so sick of crazy baby mama always texting him to talk, like they are best friends or something? She's telling him about who she's dating, random life things she's excited about, etc. It might be a little different if she didn't JUST tell him last month that she's STILL in love with him and had a temper tantrum when she found out we were planning on getting married. It's all just so inappropriate and disrespectful to me, and furthermore WEIRD between the two of them. He say's its just until the court papers are signed and then he won't have to be so friendly with her anymore...but it's been like this since we've been together. Can't they just be civil without being this weird friend thing?

Besides her he has these other girls always calling him when their boyfriends are breaking up with them, is making friends with groups of girls at the bar when I am not around, etc. To say I am tired of it would be an understatement.

All of that pent up. All of it sulking around in my heart. I just bottled it up and tried to forget about it, not let it bother me, move on. But of course as soon as he asked me what's wrong I exploded everywhere. Then when we snuggled up in bed later even more came tumbling out. Everything about his frustration over the Vegas and strip club issue, why the other women bother me, why it feels like I still don't trust him when I get upset about it, how I am afraid our issues are "too big" and am scared we won't make it sometimes, even the little issue of the help I need around the house. Even that I haven't wanted to mention because I didn't want to be nagging. All of it tumbled out between us in the dark of our little room. With Bella snoring on the floor beside us.

The sweetest moment was when we were talking about the other girls bothering me, and how sometimes I get worried our issues are too much and we won't make it (I don't have context of what's 'normal' in a relationship or not, who does?). All he said was, "You are the only girl I've ever loved with my whole heart..." and proceeded to tell me he's NEVER had concerns or worries about us. He KNOWS we are going to be together forever. That even though we are having some growing pains of just moving in together and everything in our lives changing, we love each other and always work it out. I don't know why I hold back talking to him about things, there's always some reason or another I rationalize. But then when we finally do talk about whatever it is, he takes everything in stride. Works to identify exactly what I am upset about and how he could do better. Reminds me how loved I am.That it will be ok. We will work it out. Helps that we also got to seal the deal in with a few rounds of sexy time too. It's been awhile since we've been able to because his hip is bothering him a lot after falling down some stairs, it's been hard on us so I hopped him up on ibprofun and we managed to make it through without him keeling over in pain.

After all of that I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed. Like this burden I've been carrying around has been lifted. The sky is clearer. My heart is lighter.

I feel inspired to continue working on being more open with him. The results are always so sweet. Why do we hold on to things? I know I am afraid of being rejected, but he's never done that to me. So why do I continue to cling on to things that are hurting me, why can't I learn?

Tomorrow after work we are off to Vegas for a surprise family reunion for my cousin being deployed in a few weeks. Plus my love has never been, so we can party it up and are glad to spend so much time together this weekend. PLUS he gets to meet my crazy Aunt's who I also haven't seen in a good minute.

Love is challenging everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. In a good way.



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