Lovelove.

I've been thinking lately a lot about LOVE.
And how rare it is, and how I didn't really realize this.

So Number 2 and I have our issues...but we fell in love almost instantly. The moment I saw him there was this FIRE and electricity between us, someone I would never consider being attracted to I was suddenly IN IT TO WIN IT. We told each other we loved each other, and meant it, after 6 weeks. I've been on dates with lots of guys and think of how many men you meet in any given day or night out...that FIRE and attraction that turns into LOVE is so rare. And having it stick around for more then a few months...or years...is even more incredible. I am constantly in awe of people who are truly in love and get married...AMAZING that two totally different people living different lives found each other. AND THEN those couples who stay married for years and years? Incredible.

Tonight I failed. again. Talked to SS for 2+ hours...then hung up and talked for Number 2 for another hour or so.
What am I doing?

But honestly, I dont know that I feel the way about SS that I should. I enjoy talking to him, spending time with him, am somewhat attracted to him, but besides a natural physical desire- I have zero desire to sleep with him. And I don't feel myself falling in love with him like I did with Number 2...and I thought maybe that was just normal and that me and Number 2 were really rare and weird, but now even if it is normal, I don't know if I want to waste my time with someone I don't necessarily see a future with? And part of me just keeps thinking..."eh, just go with it" but then I freak out and think "but then he'll eventually want to sleep with me! NO!" and that's when I knew there was a problem.

But I'm not going to stop talking to him and hanging out with him until I have a real reason. Having someone interested in your life...who wants to spend time with you...and texts you all day...and holds your hand...is really nice.

In other horrible news, I made a life plan for me and Number 2. We get engaged before he goes to grad school, I move there too and teach, then we move to NYC so I can go to grad school and so he can work on wall street, then we have babies and move back to SD. I have problems.

Everyday I keep thinking, I am a horrible person. I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.

But then I need to equally keep telling myself...no your not, this isn't easy. There is nothing wrong with you. This happens.

"I am a horrible person" keeps winning and I hate my guilt issues.