Thursday, September 16, 2010

A "Life Sucks" Day Apparently Required a Slumber Party

Well, just when I thought my life was finally settling down and I was actually feeling bouts of happiness and joy again...everything came crashing down around me yesterday morning. It was my day off, so I was just waking up around 10am when mom knocks on my door and says,
"um...aren't you working today?"
"No, I have Wednesdays off remember?"
"oh. well. um. We have a realtor coming to inspect the house so...uh...I need you to just clean up a little?"

So yeah. The house we've been living in for 15 years, my parents have to sell for financial reasons related to moms cancer and dads business affected by the economy...they apparently want to try and sell like asap. They are really sad. Mom almost cried telling me- and mom never cries. They weren't planning on telling me or brother until they figured everything out but BAM good morning! And where will they go? They don't even know. The house was paid for in cash, so they will be getting everything back in cash which is good...but who knows if they can keep living even in town when everything is so expensive here. My plans of living at home for 6 months to save money were dashed. My plans to move back to this town after gallivanting around the world and raise my kids here were gone. My plans to have family Thanksgivings and Christmases...swimming with my future kids in the backyard. All gone in those split seconds as mom announced the realtor would be here in an hour.

THEN we couldn't find brothers I am driving around the neighborhood crying my eyes out about the damn house and the dog and just SO angry that my life continues to hurt and be so frustrating. (the dog was hiding in the house the entire time, don't worry). I cried majority of the day yesterday on and off...and am having a hard time keeping it together even writing this too. And I know I was planning on moving out in a few months anyway, but thats not really the point. The point is that I feel like all of my security has just been wiped out from underneath me.

So I tried to process things...talked to Cassie in Sweden...Number 2 always helps calm me down too...and just tried to figure out what I want to do. Before I leave for Hawaii they already need me to pack up all the pictures in my room and put away my little piles so they can take pictures, show it, and put it on the market. Then we'll have to have open houses so it will be a hard place to be able to actually LIVE in over the next months until it sells. It probably won't sell for 3-6 months...but who even knows? Its a GORGEOUS house in an amazing neighborhood with a pool and view...I am thinking it will go pretty fast despite the economy. So I have to figure my shit out. Who do I live with? When? What can I afford? I think I am going to start looking for new jobs that pay more. How is this my life you ask? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE. My family has been through so much this year, we SERIOUSLY don't have the energy or heart to do this. My mom can physically hardly do anything for a few hours at a time, let alone paint, clean, and pack an entire house. Plus, our hearts are just so worn down. So beaten. I just don't know if I can do this.

After a day of processing at the beach...praying...and sleeping. SS and I had our plans for the art event. We snuggled on the couch before we left because I told him I needed extra cuddles because I was sad. His family is losing their house too so he understood, but didn't talk me through my feelings and what to do next like Number 2 does. I kind of feel like SS is just so "everythings gonna be alright!" pot head that he doesn't realize that NO everything DOESN'T turn out ok hurts and I'm in pain and unlike you I don't just smoke away my feelings. I am going to feel this hurt for a very long time and unfortunately thats life. But then he held me, we shared our fav beer, and he made me laugh a lot and I forgot all about everything for the rest of the night. The art event was great and we had a free glass of wine and sat and talked with the live music in the background, but they didn't have vegetarian food so we went to his fav Italian restaurant instead and it was SO good. Afterwards we attempted to watch The Godfather 2 because I hadn't seen it but that movie is SO long so after a little making out, we fell asleep in each others arms. I think I was pretty emotionally tired too. By about 1am I was too exhausted and drank a little too much to be able to drive home, I had to be up in 5 hours we just slept in his bed and snuggled instead, and don't worry we both had our pants on. I have never actually done this with a boy. I've slept in the same bed with friend boys before, but never a boy who likes me and would hold me and tell me:
"wanna know a secret? Feeling someones breath on the back of my neck while sleeping is my favorite thing in the entire world"- (I'm the worst secret keeper ever BTW.)

And I was happy. From 6p-6a I was so happy I thought it would explode out of my heart because I felt cared for and treasured and safe. But the pot smoking it really starting to bother me. It's VERY apparent he just went from hard drugs to smoking pot EVERYDAY to be able to deal with life. As someone who tries not to be addicted to ANYTHING and values processing things without the aid of other things (unless you need a break and then a drink or a nap or a movie or a walk do help-but they aren't destructive). I can feel myself falling for him, and I can tell he is falling for me I think I need to end things soon. PLUS sleeping in the same bed with someone and then dating other people is a lot harder to justify then just going on dates and hanging out with multiple people. We have so much fun together, but I just need to keep believing that I can find someone who makes me laugh and treasures me and treats me like a lady and DOESN'T do drugs everyday. I mean, come one, I know you are out there.

The next few days are RIDICULOUS. I don't even know how I am going to pack up my room (SAD FACE), pack for Hawaii, get the extra sleep I've been promising myself before the trip, and work and do all the dinner and friend things I have planned every night and day until I leave Sunday.

My life sucks.

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