So I haven't posted in a few days. Mostly because SS and I weren't scheduled to hang out until last night so there wasn't technically a lot to write about...and also because the love triangle is starting and I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about it yet. Slightly embarrassed...overwhelmed...confused...frustrated. etc.
So this has been happening.
Dont get mad.
Number 2 has been calling me and we've been talking late at night for a long time like old times...it only happened the last two nights though. But things have been said and I'm confused...such as
"I miss you"
"I love talking to you"
"your my best friend"
"did you start dating someone else on purpose to make me jealous? Because good job"
"you know how much I lo...CARE about you"
"your the worst wedding guest ever (because I forgot a gift to the last one), your not even going to be invited to our wedding. People will ask, hey dude where's your bride? And Ill just say, oh I dont know"
"my kids are going to eat meat, they aren't going to be vegetarians like their mother"
"I want to see you, can I take you for sushi and a movie next weekend?"
That last one was tough. The next one was even tougher...
him: we're ridiculous
me: I know. you can fix it though.
him: I know, I will.
me: when?
him: when I get this all straightened out. (referring to grad school). I will though.
So there you go. You try and figure this crap out because I sure as hell can't anymore. What I have decided though is to not let him off the hook about ANYTHING. You want me then there is shit you need to fix. I don't think I am even going to consider being something with him someday unless serious things change, which he knows needed to change but just didn't because he was too absorbed in his stupid grad school stuff...and I mean thats why we ended things in the first place, because he knew I wasn't happy and we mutually decided it wasn't good to try and be something right now. He didn't feel like he could give me what I want and I was tired of taking less then what I deserved. I don't even know if he's going to fix things. Which is why I am very hesitant with everything and anything having to do with him.
This is so tough.
It's just so easy to love him.
So easy to imagine our lives together.
So easy to talk to him for two hours until we fall asleep.
So I said he could take me out to dinner and the movie. This is probably a bad idea isn't it.
THE BIG QUESTION: Is he pursuing me now because he can't have me and suddenly wants me or because he didn't realize how much he sevol me and is now afraid of losing me?
In other news:
Last night Jordan and Jesse's party was a success! I brought SS and we had a really fun time together! He hung out and talked with everyone...and Annie just wrote me:
"he is awesome. It was really nice actually getting to see the two of you together and getting to know him a little, im excited for you and it was cute how you two were together!!"
and also...
"yeah I was thinking on the way home how nice it was to see you with a man and you guys were finding out new things about each other it was just awesome to see:)"
I invited Micah and whoever else she wanted, and then a bunch of our other down town friends showed up and it was super fun! It was kind of weird to not be single and be able to just move around and talk with whoever...but I didn't necessarily want to do that? I was really happy sitting next to SS and chatting to each other and then our other friends and such. He is so easy going it's hard to not like him...for some reason I think they would all like SS more than Number 2. I told Number 2 this last night, because he gets all alpha male-like and comes off as pretentious and a douche...which is frustrating because I know hes not like that. It's SO important to me that my friends love the person I am with...not just because I am happy but because we can all hang out and its fun. So SS is definitely good for that, it was easy to have fun with him and everyone.
But I dont look at him the way I look at Number 2.
And I don't want to strip his clothes off like I do with Number 2.
I don't want to marry him like I do Number 2.
But Number 2 has SO many but's that you all know.
Melissa and Cassie say that he is being manipulative and hurting me by me telling him to not call me unless he wants a relationship because it hurts me...and then he does anyway and tells me all this crap. Even if it is true- it's not fair.
But that still leaves me with not knowing what to do.
I have been analyzing it for 2 days and just decided to go with things with SS...BUT stand firm with Number 2 on things and make plans after our "date" so we don't end up hooking up.
Does anyone remember the SATC episode when Carrie is dating Berger but still talking to Big? She keeps talking to Big because Berger and her aren't serious yet...I guess thats how I am looking at it. SS and I aren't super serious yet... I don't feel myself falling in love with him, I don't even feel emotionally ready to sleep with him, I dont even see us having a long future together...it just is what it is. I enjoy spending time with someone who makes me laugh and we have a lot of fun together. Thats it.
LOVE TRIANGLE.
No comments:
Post a Comment