Saturday, December 04, 2010

I Was Loved.

My favorite photographer of all time: Robert Doisneau 

I know I haven't been writing about the relationship drama lately, thank goodness there hasn't been anything to write. My "break from dating and men in general" has been going well...I dont think I am even TRYING to stay away from them but my employment involving children, the fact that I NEVER meet single men despite my social schedule, and my recent bout of sickness and job transition stress have even further widened the scale between me and the single men I am sure are out there...somewhere.

It has been good to be so busy to keep my mind off of him, but for some reason as soon as I get in the car for my 20+min drive to my tutoring clients I get all cry facey. So we have had teeny tiny little bouts of cries. But they are so slight. Just that familiar heart stabbing and eye welling we all know too well.

I think the possibility of me moving so far away for so long has been affecting me, in regards to him. Do I tell him I am moving? I don't think I can handle writing him again just to get no response. And either way I will end up hurt...either he won't respond...or he will and he'll want to see me and Ill be hurt again...or it just might not be a "nice" response. Either way= Cry face.

I remember all of the shitty stuff and I know I deserve SO MUCH better...but I miss all the good stuff too. So many good things. So much love. And passion. laughter. Sweetness. Joy. He was kind of emotionally like my husband...we talked about EVERYTHING. We were literally each others best friends. Micah and I were talking about how since we don't have husbands or boyfriends we process major life decisions with our parents. It was a very nonchalant conversation, but today I was thinking about it and it made me really sad. Number 2 was the one I would process things with. I would ask him finance questions because he was really good at that kind of thing...and future planning...all of my family drama...we just shared everything. And he was even more so like that with me. It actually took me awhile to get used to sharing so much and being best friends with a man. Having someone call me all the time and actually having things to talk about...because he CARED about every aspect of my day. And now I am discussing moving half way across the world with my parents. 

And I just dont understand how someone can be SO a part of every aspect of your life and then poof. Just be gone like that. Just gone. Sometimes I forget that it was even a part of my life. That the last year of love even happened. That I haven't always been this sad girl who cries in the car to Maria Taylor songs.

At one time...not so long ago...

I was loved. 

1 comment:

micah said...

This blog reminded me of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EO0w9i5wmA