Sunday, June 24, 2012

The Breakdown.

As much as I'd like to say I'd forgotten about this, I haven't. I still think about it when I recall our trip because I suppose I still feel so horrible about what and when I brought this up.

For some reason, before the trip and for the first few days we were together something in my heart just started to FREAK OUT. This tends to happen to both men and women...the harder we fall in love the more scared we find ourselves of getting hurt. Some try and ruin things at this point, but I haven't really gotten to this point before. I never knew how terrifying it really was. And I'm sure some of this has to do with Boyfriends skanky history and cheating on girls or dating multiple girls without telling the others...typical early 20s guy stuff but not typical that I would be the game changer. I was the one who got hurt before, remember? This is all a bit new for me.

So after we had this amazing day together at Graceland, lunch on beale street with the live music and lovey dovey looks all afternoon, I'd opened the Tiffanys necklace he got me, we made some sweet sweet lovin...he was showering and I was in the bathroom talking to him and just finally said it:

"Sometimes....sometimes I get freaked out that you're going to do something to fuck all of this up. Not like...tomorrow or something...but even just someday. And I get scared." 

You should have seen his face. It was like I punched him in the stomach. I almost cried right then (but don't worry I did later).

It was hard to explain how I was feeling because it wasn't entirely because of his past I was scared, it was more because of how many couples I see fall apart later and how I am just afraid he's going to do something to hurt me and then all of this loveliness will go away. I don't know if I could handle it. The deeper I felt I was falling, the more scared I was getting. We went back and forth a bit, I had a hard time explaining myself, but his face being so fallen and sad prompted the ending of the discussion...

Me: Are you really mad right now, I'm sorry I just needed to say it...

Boyfriend: No, not mad...just frustrated I guess. I mean...look where we are. I did all of this for YOU because I love you SO MUCH and I wanted to show you. Baby, I got you Tiffany's. I saved for months to be able to do all of this for you. And I understand being scared in the beginning, I do, but we've been together (officially) 6 months. 6 MONTHS. When is this going to go away? I don't know what else I have to do to prove to you...I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you....

And he hugged and kissed me a lot.

While he was getting ready in the other room, I cried secretly in the bathroom. I felt horrible for potentially ruining our night and making him feel bad after all he did for me. For being ridiculous. And way too analytical instead of taking everything in that was happening and processing it as wow, he loves me I decided to go into crazy land of ABORT! ABORT! You are falling too far and will get hurt someday by this amazing man!!!!

So I apologized for bringing things up right before our big anniversary dinner and calmed the hell down  before we embarked on what ended up being one of our best nights ever together. And that was when I decided to let it all go. To stop hesitating about my feelings for him and our future simply because I am afraid of getting hurt (or of looking like weirdos to other people) and to just keep falling more and more in love with him and our future plans. I just made the decision right then and have kept it. I took in all of my feelings for him and all of his feelings for me. I let myself be excited about our future and not equally scared. I left the "Miss Independent- I Dont Need A Man- Dont Get Dependent" attitude and am just enjoying being in love.

My head and heart have since thanked me. And I'm sure without knowing it, boyfriend does too.



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