I sometimes think I am too sweet to watch and hear about such intense things in the world. After taking a 6 month hiatus from watching The Wire in the middle of season 4 due to overwhelming plot lines and emotions I finally finished the season this week. It took a lot to get me to watch again. And days later I find myself still haunted by everything I saw and felt. There was crying, night mares, and a complete re-evaluation of my entire life.
Yeah I'm not joking. Some random fictional TV show you may not of even heard of had that much of an effect on me. Boyfriend told me I should just stop watching it if it makes me so upset... but for some reason I feel like its somehow my duty to keep watching. Basically the show is widely considered one of the best ever on television, by HBO from a few years ago, and over 5 seasons takes you deep into inner city Baltimore. The drug world, the flawed education system, the police, even up to the mayor and government. All more realistic then you would care to see. And considered realistic even by real inner city Baltimore people. Why did this affect ME so much?
I've been wondering the same thing.
Because it's real. Because it's the real lives of so many people. Because it reminds me of my mother and where she came from. And furthermore, reminds me why I became a teacher and wanted "to change the world". Suddenly I find myself working in white upper class corporate America creating products designed to sell more shit to other upper class white people. Getting excited to go to work to contribute to nothing significant was beginning to wear on my heart before I watched the show, but now I think one of the nails on my career coffin is beginning to be nailed in. I don't feel like I need to up and quit my job and join the peace corp or something, but I can give money to organizations that I know are changing the world and make my plan for a future time when I can do the same.
I guess when I think about it, Boyfriend and I are working really hard to get baby bear away from crazy baby mama asap and want to adopt kids in a few years too. I am already taking steps to get out of debt and pave the way to be able to stay home with all my babies we give homes to. Until then- separately God told each of us we need to be doing something now, so at minimum we are both looking into where we want to give our 10% every month. I chose India of course. When he gets here and we are settled we can look into where we want to give our energy and time too. And boyfriend and I both have a heart for kids and living in other countries so we've already talked about where and what we want to do.
Being patient and seeing that where I am at is where I am supposed to be continues to be a struggle I suppose.
xoxo
HL
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