Monday, May 26, 2008

weekend & deep thoughts

this weekend has been sooo lovely.
its my favorite when all the girls r together.
last night kelsey made us dinner and we watched some crappy sappy movie, however watching cassie fold her laundry was much more entertaining. and annie and i got in a fight because she thought i was trying to steal her crown (literally). and kelsey showed us some more of her yoga poses. and cassie and kelsey put on a performance (soon to be on facebook).

today we're either going on a picnic or having lunch together somewhere else. i try to plan nice things for us to do and no one ever wants to participate, ive learned to go with it. but it makes me not want to plan anything. and i get bored doing nothing all the time...kinda...but last night was pretty fun. hmm.

ive realized some things about myself. especially recently going on a date and watching that sappy movie...PS: I love you. that was it.

1) im afraid of being hurt either by people. by them leaving me or dying or just it not working out. i tried to work on this while i was in Wisconsin, but im so scared of being hurt. i should spend some time meditating on how God is love and fear only comes from Satan. hmm.

2) i dont believe people when they tell me how awesome/attractive i am. im just thinking they're trying to get something from me. i cant think back to an instance when this happened in my life, so i dont know where the feelings come from. but i dont know how to make them go away...i wonder how much it connects to #1 and #5

3) ive been alone for a really long time, by choice. i choose to be innocent and to guard my mind and heart. which i think freaks people out. they think im naive or overprotected or something, which is not true. its a choice, and its a hard choice, but Jesus told me its worth it and i choose to believe Him more than you.

4) when im thoughtful i have a hard time living a normal life. like, i cant get out of my head. i cant do two things at once...deeply think & live at the same time. so friends, if ive been acting weird lately...these are the reasons why.

5) im beginning to realize that this world thinks im beautiful. ive never believed it myself, ive learned to get all my worth from God because i didnt feel it from the world. this has served me well. im starting to remember back on my life and how many strangers and friends and family would just randomly tell me how beautiful i am...apparently this isnt normal. i dont know how to take this. im not sure what to do with this new insight. i guess nothing. ive lived a long time seeking to make my insides beautiful and i try really hard to see the inner beauty of other people. ive cursed Hollywood for making people feel ugly and worthless because of their outside appearance. and i get annoyed with people who know they are beautiful and act horribly to others.

after countless blogs about random crap, you finally got a deep pensive one. savor it. because tomorrow im going to act like this never happened.


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