Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Feeling Blue

During work I am happy and love my life, but lately as soon as work ends I am feeling blue again. It might be that grey cloud I get sometimes that just follows me around that I refuse to medicate (although I am getting in touch with an English speaking therapist here, yay me). But it might also be my mum going through health things and I'm not there, money problems that may mean I don't get to go home for Christmas, roomie/bestie being all wrapped up in work and her bf, all my other "friends" here being completely MIA since I've been back, and this stupid boy appears he may be over me already or maybe just wants to move it into the friend zone. Although we spoke Sunday about work stuff, I haven't heard from him since and have no plans for the weekend with him either. I know he's working a lot, but I am really trying to stay on my new band wagon of "no one is too busy for you"...even to send a text, right?  But then every time someone asks me about it and I say "I dont know, I haven't heard from him since Sunday...and that time I contacted him..." they nod like thats normal. So maybe I am one would be surprised here. This tends to happen when I actually like them. Crazy lady surfaces. 

Also...I think I was really excited about being close with him even just for companionship. Since roomie and other friends are so absent right now, I don't really have anyone to talk to. And he told me his entire crazy life story the second night we hung out, I didn't get a chance to share at the I wasn't ready, but I was so hoping to find someone else here to be close with. Lately I haven't even been missing sex or all the fun girly things about being in a relationship- I think I just want the genuine friendship and closeness. Of someone caring about you SO much for no reason other then you just being you. 

And any level of rejection, especially when I start to let myself like the guy, bring everything from the past up. Every boy who stopped calling me and all the reasons I wonder why roll around again. I just keep blaming myself "What is WRONG with me that men don't want me?". And logically I know the old saying- it's them and not me- but if it keeps happening over and over again don't you have to start looking at yourself too? Isn't that basic psychology? 

I don't know. But tomorrow is a holiday (random Thursday in Slovakia off? Yeah, standard) so I get to sleep at a cafe...and get my hooha waxed. PLUS our new cleaner/cook starts tomorrow and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED! She's going to come Monday and Thursday and clean, laundry and cook a meal for us, do some of our shopping'll probably take her a few hours each day. And we are paying her 7 euro an hour!!!! I love it here! She only wanted 5/hour, but we felt too guilty so we upped it a bit. But the minimum wage is seriously like 3 euro/hour so she's SO EXCITED. We've been working such long hours lately (and its pretty normal) that we just don't have time to cook or energy to go we're doing the American thing and hiring out, hehe. YAY. 



No comments: