Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Such a LONG WEEK OF DEATH. First day of school was pretty good, I say pretty good because I love my class and everything within my room is pretty much fantastic, but otherwise (as always) the organization and drama with the management at the school is ridiculous so I had to pick up even more extra classes at the last minute and was working until 5:30p at school every night last week and then coming home to work MORE. So, it was a long week. And more drama over the weekend with our head of A-levels taking off and them hiring a new director without telling anyone today (I found out on accident). But again, my class is AMAZING and I am finishing everything except our stupid school staff busy work by 4:00 now this week...and coming home to work more, but at least its in front of the TV and on my couch.

Music Man called last Sunday night but I missed his call. Otherwise we just texted twice during last week and I was kind of bummed. Then Friday night roomie convinced me to just invite him to the pub a bunch of staff were going to, and sure enough he texted me back and showed up and we hung out most of the rest of the night. By 11 we found ourselves alone (roomie had to take the drunk bf home- another night, another scene from those two) and went to get a snack and chat. However, I now find myself slightly confused. I feel like I am getting mixed signals which could either be him being a good guy and trying to take it slow, or like he's just not into me.

We should discuss something more serious now actually. I think the foundation of my insecurity in this is in how I feel about myself. This guy...thus far...is so good, so amazing, that everything about him I decided a long time ago either didn't exist, were already taken, or certainly wouldn't be into me. Mostly the latter. I keep waiting for him to want to just be friends because I'm too ___________ <----insert here anything I've ever told myself. Mostly Fat. Silly. Stupid. Young. etc. I seriously can't believe someone like my old thrown away list exists, and that they could potentially value ME. And that's not to say I don't have confidence in myself, because Lord knows we've come a long way in this department this year. It would just appear that there are still some secret "you're not good enough" compartments tucked away in there that I haven't quite reached.

Therefore, I am totally in the "when is he going to call and make plans with me?!?!?!" mode- not obsessing yet- but time still seems to move so slowly. I find myself getting annoyed "UGH, why haven't I heard from him, he doesn't like me, this sucks" only to realize its TUESDAY and we just spoke on SUNDAY. Calm down crazy, you've been out a few times and work is B-A-N-A-N-A-S for everyone right now so lets take it down a notch, k?

In other news I am finding myself more and more annoyed with roomie having her bf over all the fucking time. EVERY DAMN NIGHT he's here. He'll either come over right after work with her and then sleep over, or come after dinner at home and then sleep over. We have to now buy groceries and plan dinners for THREE, one of them being a very hungry boy, and I am irate. His home life kind of sucks, so thats why he's around a bit more then normal boyfriends- but also because neither of them get sick of each other and appear to not have any other significant friends or family. I mean, it's a small place...and I didn't sign up to live with a fucking couple. Plus I may be bitter that I lost my one and only bestie here now that bf is in the picture. Roomie and I used to do EVERYTHING together, weeknights we went out for drinks or dinner and weekends we ran errands and went shopping. Now she just wants to stay home with the bf and watch movies during the weeknights and on the weekends THEY go run errands. So I find myself alone all the time again and am starting to get sad and more frustrated with my lack of relationships here. This might also magnify why I want things to work out with Music Man so badly, besides how awesome he and we together are, I want new friends and a boyfriend would also just be really nice.

Ok, back to working from home alone...just like every night.


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