Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Beginning of the End.

Things with PAG were wonderful. They were perfect actually. We would talk a few times a week on the phone, always on Sundays at least for a few hours. We would email, text, or chat almost everyday too. I was happy even out at the bars with men hanging all over me to tell them I had an amazing boyfriend back home so NO you may not have my number. We all know I missed him, but we were making it work. And I am only even here for a few more months anyway.

And then all of a sudden it was "finals week" and all I've gotten in the last 10 days was a ghcat text response to me asking if he was free "sorry boo, finals week ahhhhhhhh". That was 7 days ago. I've missed 2 of his calls this week, which made me cry, but when I would call him back he wouldn't answer. He's not answering my emails, texts, NOTHING.

I've cried a bit here and there, but mostly its just this deep hollow ache in my chest. The overwhelming sadness that I fucked this up by moving away and he's trying to call me just to officially end things. Last time when he disappeared I made him promise never to do it again and he was really serious about it, so either he really is just busy and I need to be angry with him for not making time for me OR this is ending and I am so sad I'm not even planning on getting out of bed today. To be honost, I am torn in which direction to feel. It's not like him to just END things with me...I keep expecting a call from him where everything is just like normal. But at the same time...not responding to me at all is also not like him so I equally am expecting this nothingness to continue until I disappear into sadness entirely.

It literally feels like I am dying.

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