Pretty Things: Richard Mosse

LOVE these haunting infra photos taken by Richard Mosse of the Congo.

Friends.

WHY do we have to have these amazing men in our lives that will never, for one reason or another, work out as a dating relationship? WHY do they even exist besides to frustrate the hell out of me.

Take Z for example. One of my favorite friends I've made in Bratislava. I am extremely attracted to him, we always have these amazing conversations, the first person there I have things in common with, the list goes on. But of course, he's also kind of a crazy person, annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and hits on me every time hes drunk but swears when he's sober he doesn't want anything with me. Cue me having to veto every time he makes a move on me, which isn't always easy when I'm attracted to him too. Fun times.

Then there's Africa. Also one of the sweetest guys ever, so smart and well educated, attractive, sensitive, attentive, loving...but his priorities are all about improving himself and women are kind of on the back burner during this time of his life. Plus, he's trying to apply to jobs that will let him live other places long term- I can't get seriously involved with someone like that so we just stay friends...annnnnd sometimes hook up before I leave for San Diego for like 2 months.

Finally -insert here- the many amazing men that I meet who are either living in Bratislava temporarily or live in San Diego and I am the temporary one. Everything will be there...attraction, things in common, chemistry, you name it...but we can't even attempt anything because one of us is leaving all too soon and we like each other too much to just hook up. Times like these I want to punch timing in the face and almost wish I had never even met these gentleman.

I suppose it part of the age we live in. All of us are in our mid to late twenties trying to start careers, "find ourselves", and focus on getting our own shit together while also trying to meet someone else and have something worthwhile to give them. Everyone is moving around trying to figure things out...it just makes it hard to find anything substantial.

With all of that being said, I have official dinner plans with PAG this evening and am already freaking out. I know its going to be wonderful and perfect which is probably why I am freaking out to begin with. What do I do with this fantastic person sitting across from me?

Wish me luck.

xoxo

Harper Lane.

Home.

Have to admit, its been strange being home. Strange and wonderful I guess.

Strange because my insides have changed but no one here really knows.

Strange because some of my friends read my blog and hear my stories and think they know me, but really have no idea. And don't really care to.

I've been feeling judged by the little comments and snips at my new lifestyle while everyone appears to ignore that after a year of shit (and potentially another year of shit to come), I am the HAPPIEST I have ever been.

I come home to my family being a bit of a mess...my mother quite seriously potentially getting sick again in a few months...my dog is a disaster...wedding everything...everyone wanting to see me at once and everything in English all at once and I am OVERWHELMED.

I guess I left my little dream land in Bratislava and am back to reality here.

But eating a burrito at the beach and digging my toes into the sand WAS quite wonderful. And snuggling with Bella and my mom at night makes my life.

Love from San Diego.

Am I Allowed To Do This?

No surprise, birthday boy couldn't find time to see me today.

But you know who DID?

Africa.

Yeah, Africa came by today after a fancy shmancy interview to say good bye to me and I wanted to hear about how his interview went. He was so sweet with me and it was so nice to see him it didn't even feel weird when he kissed me properly on his way out.

And he INSISTED on waking up with me at the crack of dawn and helping me carry my bag to the bus station. I kept telling him "no no no, really I can manage" but he really insisted and how could I say no to my sexy ex lover in a suit?

Sooooo Africa is coming over tonight to sleep and then wake up with me at like 3a to go to the bus station that will take me to the airport.

I think he might actually like me and is trying to woo me again.

But here's the thing...

I keep feeling like a floozy for sleeping with these different guys. Am I allowed to have semi sex with one guy on Friday, and then (probably) another one on Monday? Granted, both boys I know pretty well and are my friends already. But isn't this a little skanky? I just don't know anymore. I am always so in the moment, I forget about anyone else besides the person I am with until later when I go...hmmm, was that not ok? I really don't know. Someones sense of judgement has gotten rather skewed.

However, at the same time. We are all in this really weird time in our life. Everyone is moving around and doing their thing, I'll meet these really great guys but I am only here for 6 months...or a year...or whatever...and they are only stationed here for a few months, or just interviewed for a job that would move them to another country, etc.
So what do you do?

Just enjoy the time you have. 

Not sure what else there is to do.

Besides to ALWAYS wear a condom and get regular check ups. hehe.

Hookah.

Had an amazing day yesterday with two of my guy friends drinking...eating...watching funny videos...listening to good music...and hookah. I decided that this was how I wanted to sit and smoke and they were laughing and laughing at how sexual it looked...

but I just think my ass looks FANTASTIC...

Can I tag this under "favorite things"? MY ASS.

hehehe

Summer.

Well, tomorrow is errands, cleaning, and packing day.

Tuesday I wake up at the crack of dawn to fly off and away. Home. San Diego. Summer. 

I've been thinking of all the things I want to do while I'm home, see if you made the list<3

See you soon.

List of Summer Things To Do...

-Eat a big burrito at the beach

-See Water for Elephants with Mom

-Dance with Micah

-Get my toenails painted with Mom

-Go shopping

-Go to the new Spanish exhibit with Dad

-Screen on the Green in Balboa Park

-See Harry Potter with Kelsey and Cassie

-See Melissa and Heathers new engagement rings

-Take Bella for walks and snuggles

WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?!

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Get ready for the best post of all of our lives.

But lets begin with asking ourselves, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?

Ok so Friday night we went to our usual Primi with everyone. We're all having an AWESOME time, Z isn't being weird, I'm dancing with my best girls here and we're all just so happy. Then more of our friends show up, one of them being birthday boy. I was kind of pissed that I didn't hear from him all week so I was ignoring him until roomie convinced me to forget about it and just go for it...I believe her exact words were "Girl, you're leaving for a MONTH, haven't gotten laid in awhile, can't even get yourself off, and I know you just want a big black penis to have sex with- so quit being all analytical and go for it" It was HILARIOUS. But I had to think about it a bit first because I think I want a relationship...although hot sex with a beautiful man in my little European city is hard to pass up.

I played hard to get, then seduced him with my dancing, yelled at him for ignoring me and made him buy me a drink, annnnnd next thing you know its 4a and we're at another club making out on the dance floor. Yep- that girl again. I had decided to NOT have sex with him just yet and he was just going to walk me home, but super hot make out outside my door led to "wanna come upstairs"...

...And here's where things get fun...

I took a shower while he tried to call his commander guy and get clearance for an overnight, I come back and commander is sleeping and not picking up, and birthday boys military 5am curfew is 30 minutes away. So we try and move quickly, which isn't really my style and made me feel like a floozy (and he felt like a dick) but we were both drunk and hot and bothered so it didn't seem to matter at the time.

We're LITERALLY right about to have sex (you know this moment) when his phone rings with our friend telling him he needs to come and get the cab with him to go home for curfew in 20 minutes.
So that was fun.

Second attempt is going well but then I can feel him deflating...and I'm drunk too so everything for me isn't working right either...it's good but not as amazing as it could be when I hear...

"um. Can we stop"

"yeah sure, your kind of done huh."

"um yeah...that- AND I feel like I'm going to throw up"

"Oh God (push him off), don't throw up on me, do you need a bag?!"

phone rings again telling him to go NOW to get the cab

He's apologizing profusely and is SO embarrassed while rushing to get dressed he forgets to put on his knickers and undershirt. Carrying these in his hand he's almost out the door when...

"Uh oh. I'm going to be sick..."

And yes, my lover then threw up in the trashcan in my room.

Once again, CLASSY.

He took the bag out and carried it, along with his knickers and pride, and left to get the cab apologizing to me the entire way.

I believe his last words to me were, "I'm so sorry...this was terrible...I'm so embarrassed...can we have a redo sometime?"

Award for worst hook up EVER goes tooooooo- ME.

I could not stop laughing, I tried to make him feel like it wasn't a big deal but it was also SO funny I couldn't handle it! We've been texting since then, but probably won't be able to see each other again before I leave.

And so we end where we began, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE? REALLY?

I guess thats what I get for being a floozy...

Hadley.

Ernest and Hadley Hemingway.

Reading a fantastic book The Paris Wife about their early years together from Hadley's perspective. All cute and snuggled up in their Paris flat writing all day and drinking absinthe by night with hoards of other legendary writers. Plus, the writing is to die for. Highly recommended.

PS I'm Ridiculous.

Whether it's because I like to hurt myself...I am lonely...I genuinely still care...or am just curious.

I wrote PAG to tell him I am coming into town and would love to meet and catch up.

I may have also added in a "Plus, I still think about you."

So yeah...I ignored the shitty way he ended things with me and how I haven't heard from him since and how I am only in town a few weeks before moving back here for another year.

But I couldn't help it! I knew I had nothing to lose and that I do still think and care about him, so it seemed silly to come into town and do nothing. Can't we just stay friends so when we ARE finally in the same part of the world long enough, we can fall in love?

I guess heading home has me thinking.

It's odd to be the happiest I have ever been in my little European city, with my new lovely friends from all over the world, working my dream job...but to not feel totally settled. Still haven't had a real boyfriend for more then a few weeks...we can't really call the Number 2 shenanigan a relationship as much as it was just "fucked up". So sue me if I miss the one man I felt settled with. The one I saw an actual future with. The one I know would have worked out happily ever after if I hadn't moved here.

HENCE Plan B. Stay in contact until we can merge our separate happy lives in the same location.

Easier said then done. Let's see if he even replies.

Ugh, I am the worst.

Favorite Things: Harry Potter

OH!!! Nucleus Art Gallery in Alhambra, CA is having the most AHmazing show opening over the weekend! If you are in the LA area, be sure to put on your cape and head on over to this awesome event! Too bad I'll still be in Europe by then, but have a butterbeer for me and be inspired.

Some snippets from the show...

 

Boobies.

A typical evening down the street at a nice bar/restaurant with my friends drinking and celebrating a friend. We were having a really really nice time celebrating with our friend: me, roomie, her bf, and Z...plus a few strangers who were nice and fun enough.

We were there for quite awhile when suddenly Z decided to turn the conversation for the ENTIRE table of mixed company to focus on: my boobs. Anything he could have talked about regarding them, he pretty much did. At first I just laughed because we were all drinking and it was mostly my close friends...but then he just kept going and going...ignored how uncomfortable I was with the mixed group and my requests to talk about something else and just kept going. I was so embarrassed because it was so inappropriate.

Just now as we walked home I pulled him aside and said, "hey- so next time we're in mixed company, could you not talk about my boobs? I don't care with these guys (our friends) but I didn't even know those other people."

He tried to beat around the bush but I wouldn't let him, and made him promise not to do it again.

I mean, I love my boobs. And I love attention. But the two don't go together in a way that makes any normal girl comfortable.

What's even more annoying is that there was a nice single northern Italian guy there who I would have loved to flirt with, but Z hogged my attention all night I could hardly talk to the guy. And for what? Because "he doesn't like me"? Who votes he doesn't know what he wants but likes my attention? ME.

And its now TUESDAY. A week until I go home. Still haven't heard from birthday boy since Friday.

Despite these double D's, still pretty single.

Pretty Things: Marlon Brando

Talk about it. 

The Tables Turn.

lets dance.

Last night after feeling sorry for myself for awhile, I met up with my real friends at our usual Primi. I walked in and who was there?! Z of course. It wasn't awkward...until later. At first it was just 4 of us, and then slowly more and more of our friends started arriving and soon we had a table right by the dance floor and were all dancing together around it for hours and hours!

Highlights include: Z flirting SO much with one of my really good girl friends here who knows our entire situation and felt so awkward the entire time. When we went to the bathroom she asked me "so he's doing this to make you jealous, right?". It was ridiculous. He kind of just ignored me the entire night actually. I had 2 other friends who were kind of pairing up too, so then there was just me. Quickly I got bored and sad  and wanted to go home and cry...but I decided to just keep drinking, dancing, ignore him, be happy and eventually who showed up?

Birthday Boy!

Beautiful birthday boy. Remember him? Made out secretly last weekend at his birthday while Z was also hitting on me and I was very confused. Birthday boy is either very smooth or really likes me and its so cute.  We danced all sexy and were kissing on the dance floor (yeah, sometimes that happens)...I could feel Z watching and then later pulled me close to him and said "I'm sorry" but couldn't explain what for. So Z is clearly a crazy person and I am not going to play games with him anymore. I felt like crap the entire night watching him pay all the attention he used to pay me, to my friend who isn't even into him and felt awkward. And when I finally had a lovely boy who was so excited to dance with me, I had to suddenly deal with Z's bullshit again, really?

Micah mentioned the other night while chatting, "so whats with all your boyfriends?"

Oh, isn't it true. Good Lord.

But really, I don't have a boyfriend. And thats kind of the problem. I just have these random guys who want to hook up, and I'm trying to maneuver my way through it all. It's exhausting.

Big plans today of watching French movies and HBO miniseries while snuggling with myself recovering from 2 nights out. Schools out for the summer!!!

Pretty Things: Why Don't You Love Me.

We play VH1 non stop music videos in the flat while we're cooking or whatever, and every time this video comes on I just have to stop and watch- the song isn't my style but EVERYTHING else about Beyonce is so fabulous in this video I am constantly inspired...

Stupid.

Dear Lord, my friends are stupid. And boys are stupid. All wrapped into one big stupid pile.

Scene 1
Everyone convinced me that at the party the other night Z was trying to get my attention, was jealous of the birthday boy, his hand holding and kiss attempts were NOT because he was drunk but because he was "so into you".

Scene 2
After several more fun nights out, Z is still not making ANY moves. Even when drinking a bottle of wine romantically by the river and sleeping an entire night next to me in bed.

Cue a necessary conversation:

Me: are you into me like a friend or INTO me like...you know. Because you've been sending mixed signals.

Z: (LAUGHS) why would you even think that?

Me: UHHHHH because every time you drink your alllll over me, and I think its because your drunk but everyone keeps telling me that your into me.

Z: (laughs) what? what did I do?

Me: tried to hold my hand several times, tried to kiss me, etc.

Z: oh. thats just because I was drunk.

Me: figured. but everyone else convinced me. ok.

Z: I mean...I like the way things are between us, don't you?

Me: yeah, Im fine. I dont care either way, I just wanted to know.

Z: so...we're cool, right? (insert fist bump here)

exit ME who goes to bed annoyed and frustrated with men who hit on you when they're drunk and use it as an excuse, and friends who over analyze things incorrectly when you knew in your heart you were right to begin with.

Scene 3
Z chats with roomie and says now its weird between us and she gives HIM shit for being the idiot- thank God. Haven't heard from him since, ME continues to be annoyed.

So we're now officially back on the totally single in Europe track- yahoo!

But now that roomie has a serious boyfriend and I am often playing the role of 3rd wheel...I miss having someone serious too. It was fun when we were both single or both had someone, but the imbalance is strange. I am home alone while they go out and she wants me to come but I have to convince her, "its a DATE roomie, with your BOYFRIEND, I am not coming!". And I think she really wanted Z and I to work out because the 4 of us got on so well.

I've been feeling so weird today. I am supposed to get my period but am on new birth control so it won't come, and my brain is all confused and analytical about everything and I'm so tired and lazy. I just felt grumpy and lonely all day.

Ok, friends finally invited me out- time to drink away the grump.

PS: 12 days until I am HOME! I am starting to get so excited!!!

Oh, Memories...

My dear old friend Jen came to visit me this weekend, we've been friends since I was in my "rock band" phase and was about 30lb heavier...And less attractive...

Here's us 4 years go...

And here's us now!

I loved my crazy hair, nose ring, and converse...but sometimes being a lady (and a bit thinner) is SO much better. And, I dont even look my best here: this is me exhausted and having just thrown something on to go get a drink.

10 points for me today!

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer.

Apparently I am RIDICULOUS.

Last night we had a party for the one marine we haven't met yet, apparently a black guy from Mississippi. We all met at my flat and went together, I was SO excited to see Z and had been looking forward to it all week, I was hoping it would be a good night for me to continue trying to figure out if he was into me or not. We arrive and rather quickly the birthday boy starts very overtly flirting with me. Z is acting his crazy self and I just thought he was being goofy and I was still a little annoyed I couldn't figure him out yet. I was talking to everyone, but then birthday boy would want me to talk to him...then Z would be acting crazy and I'd talk with him...back and forth all night. Finally, birthday boy asks to take me on a "tour of the house"...which I've already seen. I still don't have Z figured out, so I decided...oh what will it hurt...and we go on a tour. He overtly compliments and flirts with me like a 15 year old kid, then we kiss a bit before going back into the party. Confusion doesn't begin to describe. TWO attractive and sweet guys hitting on you at the same time...but one your not sure if you can even call it that because he's always crazy anyway, isn't he?

The highlight of the evening might be me between the two of them in the back seat, with birthday boys arm around me on one side...and Z trying to hold my hand on the other. I was SO confused.

The rest of the night was drama trying to get everyone into the clubs...but birthday boy decides to be a little bitch the entire night and crab about how shitty his birthday party is going...and Z loses his keys and just mopes in the corner. I am OVERWHELMED by both of their attention, I just decided to do my thing and see what happens. Then we run into Africa on the way to the club. Yeah, that happened. I could NOT deal at this point and just tried to ignore both of the them the rest of the night.

Wake up in the morning and my friends tell me their observances. Apparently I was paying way more attention to birthday boy (even though he just turned 24, and leaves in 3 months), and Z was trying to get my attention the entire night then moped because it wasn't working. To them, it looked like I chose birthday boy and was ignoring Z-who was CLEARLY showing me he was into me all night. Ladies and gentlemen, unbeknownst to me- I was a player. I couldn't make a decision (didn't really feel like I had to since I just me both of them) so I just played both of them...at the same party.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I didn't mean too. I just didn't know what to do, so I was just nice to both of them.

However, it comes down to this: Birthday boy is hot, a good kisser, and very sweet...but pretty obviously just wants to get laid and then is peacing out. As much fun as that would be, I think I would rather jump off this one night stand and 2 month lover train and try to embark on something more serious. I've been realizing the lack of actual relationships in my past love life...they are all just these little weird things of a few weeks, or that one entire year "kind of" relationship of some guy treating me like shit. I could see something substantial with Z for at least a little while, I enjoy his company so much and am very attracted to him.

But I may have fucked it up already. I just didn't know what was going on! I called Z today to maybe apologize and invite him to go to lunch with us, but he said later for a movie and dinner would be better. So I am all excited all day...then call him at the designated time and he says he's sleeping. So yeah...no reconciliation. We'll see what happens tomorrow, maybe we'll end up doing something.

Not the brightest crayon in the coloring box this weekend.

Pretty Things: Emma

I just love these images from Emma's new Vogue spread. 

FML

So much.

Monday We took out a friend for his birthday, roomie kept buying me drinks even though I said I only wanted one and then wanted to go home, but noooooo all of a sudden laughing all night turned into her trying to hook me up with the birthday boy, and then we were the most wasted we've been since I've been here and we had to carry each other home at 2:30a. It was RIDICULOUS. On a Monday? Really?

Was feeling too sick to go into work Tuesday (I know, failure) and now that its the end of the year so we aren't doing much anyway...and both girls have called in for the same reason recently too, so I stayed home feeling fluish and sleeping all day.

After I slept in a bit and checked my email, got a message from mom saying they found something in her lung that has a 50/50 chance of being cancer but we won't know until a second scan in September. So here I am, sitting in bed feeling like shit and crying my eyes out because all I can think is that my mother is going to die, soon. I was trying not to freak out, but couldn't help it. I already feel guilty for being so far away after she's been so sick...now what?

I talked to her later and she explained that its not that big of a deal and the procedure to get rid of it is simple...but the bigger deal is that if it is cancer then that means her chemo didn't work and its basically only a matter of time. So that was fun.

To top off my shitty day, Africa decides he finally has time for me and calls me twice and chats me on FB. He was just acting casually, like "hey Im done with my exams finally, how are you". I tried ignoring him because I just wasn't in the mood to deal with anything and was actually angry that with everything going on, I couldn't even call him because he was "busy". But he called me out on ignoring him, so I had to get into it. Lets start with, IT SUCKED. I tried to explain how I felt about it being inappropriate for him to completely ignore me for 9 days, that if he's busy then thats fine, he can be busy without me. I'm not waiting around for him. But he genuinely did NOT understand, and I just felt so horrible. He felt like since he told me before that he would be busy all week, I should be fine with it. He just felt like he was right and I was wrong, I was so frustrated. But I am emotional about so many things right now, I am still confused about how much to put up with...was I expecting too much from someone? I want a guy who puts me #1 and if he isn't that then I should just peace...right? I just wanted some texts, a FB message, SOMETHING. I understand being busy, I am busy...but I still MAKE time for the people I care about.

NOT What Was Expected.

This has nothing to do with the post, besides what fuels said weekend. And also, I love gin and tonic with an undying passion and always will.

Wow. What a weekend.

To begin with, haven't heard from Africa since...Wednesday when he wrote to tell me he couldn't come over as I requested for dinner and to help massage my messed up back because we was "too busy". Haven't seen him in a week, and haven't heard from him otherwise since that little message. Didn't show up all weekend. Didn't respond to my texts. Confused? Yeah, join the club. Apparently spending an awesome weekend together=being over it. So instead of waiting around for his ass to not be busy and give a shit, I'm not going to be offended and just decided that if he's too busy for me then, fine. I am over this waiting game bullshit. Seriously. We're not doing this anymore. I am not hurt, or even so much angry as I am just irritated.

ANYWAY (theres a reason thats a big anyway),
A young man we'll call Z has been hanging out with us all a lot recently. The first few times I met him, his hyperness and weird jokes stressed me out. He was sure I didn't like him, and really he just irritated me and I just wanted to chill. (More drama then that went down, but it was stupid and ended up just being drunk people and miscommunication. Shock, I know). However, after roomie convinced me we actually had a lot in common and to give him a chance, we've been chatting more the last few weeks when we go out and have so much in common I feel like I could actually survive here now that someone finally likes the same music, movies, books, humor, TV, books, etc that I do. He is 28, from Croatia/Bosnia, and is majoring in English at a university in Vienna.  He is super American, and even though he speaks like 4 languages-his English is the best out of anyone we've met here. Often we talk in "we" around him and forget he's not American. Besides all of that, I find myself very attracted to him. I did initially, but his hyper personality exhausted me so I let it go. I see now that it was just him trying really hard to either fit in with all of us or to impress me...because according to roomie, its very obvious that he likes me.

The Supposed Signs:
-He's told roomie he thinks I'm "so hot" and told me later how beautiful I am.

-Friday night he stayed on our couch and we watched TV together a bit and he was holding my hand and trying to kind of woo me, which I disregarded because I knew he'd been drinking.

-He then proceeded to spend the entire weekend with me...we all went out Friday, and he slept on our couch, then Saturday we all went to a BBQ, then snuggled with roomie and her bf watching funny videos and eating crappy food late at night. Sunday instead of leaving he asked me to go get coffee and then we went to the riverside and had a drink, thhe carried all my groceries home and taught me how to roast a chicken, more good music and movies were played, and he didn't leave until Sunday night. He slept on the couch the entire weekend, and besides holding my hand and telling me I'm beautiful Friday night there weren't any overt moves. He always asks "So where's Africa?" and encouraged me not to put up with boys ignoring me....which brother said is a good move on his part. Trying to wait until I'm officially single before swooping in.

Despite all of this, I am still not so sure he's that into me. I know he doesn't have a lot of friends here so he might just be excited to make a friend, and the hand holding may have just been drunkeness/horniness.

Consensus from roomie, brother, and mom is: WHAT WRONG WITH YOU, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU, HE STAYED ALL WEEKEND!

And somehow I am still on the fence. Maybe because I feel weird since Africa and I aren't officially over...but more so because I really really obviously like this guy and it's kind of freaking me out. Boys are easier when I don't care so much. But also for the obvious reason that he's social and outgoing and doesn't have a lot of friends in the city, so that = just friends...right?

So. He's gone until Wednesday and then I have my super awesome friend Jen in town until Saturday, but we'll all be partying all week, which means we'll see each other again and see if there are these supposed "sparks" you speak of.

Who knew my love life was so ridiculous? Besides you of course...

xoxo

HL