Monday, April 11, 2011

All Over Again.

This familiar feeling of week up and one week down...and hurt with PAG is reminding me...

Haven't we done this all before? 

Didn't I do this with Number 2 last year? One week he wanted me and I was on top of the world, and the next week he wouldn't call or wouldn't care about seeing me and I'd feel like shit all over again. Constantly blaming myself for WHY he didn't want me, when really he was the one being an asshole. Things with PAG are quite a bit different in some regards...we are on the other side of the world from each other with a 9hr time change to boot, both extremely busy, he has never been outright mean or dismissive of me unless it was noted because he was busy beforehand (until now?), and typically he makes time for us to talk--he will take long 2 hour lunches just so we can catch up. And I know he doesn't even really go out or anything either so I don't even have to worry about that.

But still, the feelings are the same. My emotions are dictated by whether or not he is wanting me. Whether or not he is making time for me. Unreturned phone calls, emails, and texts (when I know he has a blackberry he is addicted too) are just unacceptable at this point. I know because I have done this all before. And who ended up hurt in the end?

Alas, I still have this overwhelming sense of waiting. Waiting for him to call and explain, Ill forgive him and everything will be ok again...just like it was with Number 2 last year.

Is it me that needs to change or him? Should I expect some distance because of the long distance nature of our relationship or hold him accountable?

I feel like I have been doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to. I email or call him a few times a week, even if he doesn't respond. I send him post cards. I miss him. I get hit on every weekend but always come home alone and call him instead. I only really dance with my friends or girls when we go out. I mean, come on. I am trying everything here. And honestly, even though sometimes I am horny and its tough going home alone- I LOVE having a boyfriend way more then trying to find some hooligan out there to love me. I am so much happier with how things are than if I had to try and navigate the dating world again. I really can't imagine anyone else being as wonderful as PAG is anyway.

And I do cut him a lot of slack. If we don't talk everyday, or even for a few days I don't freak out or anything. I just live my life and miss him secretly and its ok. It's when we go for days and days without ANY response that I start to freak out a bit and think...wait a minute, your not crazy lady, HE'S being a jerk face!

I've already emailed him the WTF email. And have called several times. So I guess now we just play the waiting game.

Plus, it doesn't help that I am home deathly ill and can barely force my brain to do anything besides think.


Sarah said...

I always read your blog and my unsolicited opinion is EFF the waiting game. You are worth 10,000 times more than him making you wait around for him. You're hot and young and you need to be going out and living it up instead of waiting around for some guy! You deserve smiles and hugs not tears and loneliness.
That's just my opinion.
(Micah's friend)

HL said...

Your so sweet for reading! Thanks lady! You definitely join the friend consensus, but I still would at least like to chat with him to get some closure. Or understand. Sad times though.