Thursday, March 15, 2012

Somedays Are Just Needy.

Most days I find I am pretty well balanced, especially with Mr. Boyfriend. I am ok with how our crazy long distance relationship is, everywhere our future could go, and that if anything happens and we don't work out I'll be fine and just continue being single and awesome.

But for some reason. Somedays I just feel needy.

Unfortunately for Mr. Boyfriend this manifests itself as me asking him things like "So...are you sure you want to do this long distance thing with me? How do you know?" etc. Luckily, my boyfriend is amazing and just answers all sweetly and genuinely and then sends me lovey dovey songs which help calm my ass down. Whenever I think I'm being crazy he gently reminds me, "Crazy is stabbing me with a pencil repeatedly. Or me visiting you in the metal hospital. Or in rehab. Or you hitting on me when you're 8 months pregnant from another guy. Or bringing pictures of me to my hometown trying to look for we have experienced with my exes. You my love, are NOT crazy" 

I don't know why somedays women's insecurities just come bursting out. It might also be because I am dating an ex player...I just keep waiting for him to go "WTF am I doing waiting for this girl? I could get any of these girls! Peace out." Which leaves me rather nervous from time to time. But he keeps reminding me how much he loves me, how happy he is to wait for a girl he thinks is the most amazing girl he's ever met, how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and doesn't want to fuck this up, etc. I know in my head every guy was either a "player" or in the real world just "a normal guy" who dated lots of girls, played the game, was ridiculous. Especially if they are as beautiful and sweet as my man is, I'm sure women just threw themselves at him (and still do). Which is why he even made me wary at first and I kept shooting down all his player moves...and in turn is why he liked me so much. But every player eventually finds the girl of his dreams and settles down for her quite willingly. Otherwise we'd have all bachelors.

So now I wonder. Is the reason I can't fully accept his affection for me because I don't see myself as a woman even worth doing that for? I just can't believe that he would be so excited and ready to settle for lil ol me. After Number 2 playing me, I guess I just never saw myself as a woman worthy enough to have a player (or any social and dating man) settle with. I wasn't that girl. Not that special. Finally I feel like I've gotten over my issues of feeling like theres something wrong with me and thats why I can't keep a man...have found an amazing man...and just can't accept it. Of course guarding my heart and not being ridiculous is still important, but accepting that I am worth having this man love me and want to be with me appears to be the next step.

So, as I said. Somedays are just needy.



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