Fussy.

Everyday I don't get called to sub I FREAK out about money, job, my future, etc. I am already tired of applying and not hearing from ANYONE. Today I realized that doing it everyday is a bit ridiculous and no wonder I am overwhelmed and tired of it, so I decided that Mondays and/or days I don't get sub work will be my applying days. It's very time consuming and tiring to scour and search for the jobs...tweak a cover letter for it...and shmooze the resume too. I could easily spend hours and hours doing it boarded up in my room everyday and the rest of the time being depressed about not hearing from anyone.

Last night I didn't get a sub call and then couldn't sleep because I was so stressed out about it. So now not only am I depressed, grumpy, and stressed out about my life...but am extra fussy from lack of sleep.

I did spend some time praying and journaling about my head and heart this morning. I also decided that days I don't get work will be praying and meditating days when I first wake up to calm my crazy ass down and re center. The words PEACE and PATIENCE kept resonating out from that time and have often been constant themes in my life. When I think about it, its going to be ok. I've worked enough so I should have enough to cover the basics like food, gas, phone, and other minor expenses, and when I don't my parents slip me a $20 so I can fill my tank. But I just don't feel like I'm LIVING. I'm stuck in my parents suburbia house all the time because I dont feel like I can spare any money to do anything, I can't afford health insurance and somehow don't qualify for ANYTHING free from California, I can't afford mental health services which I need to be in so this looming depression doesn't finish creeping up, I'm afraid my 188,880 mile car is going to die at any moment and I have NOTHING to help me get a new one, and I'm just stuck. Granted, I've only been home a few weeks and I in no way regret my decision to leave Slovakia where I was barely making any money anyway and was lonely, depressed, and over worked all the time. But I suppose I'm just impatient. And scared.

And so tired.

Time for nap.

BUT I did feel myself going down the depressed and grumpy road and called Melissa to hang out later instead of moping home alone tonight- I'm getting better at this.

Wish me luck.

xoxo

HL

and PS: things with the boy are just as perfect as ever. I've had so much time to talk with him lately, its been so precious for both of us. I seriously don't know how we never run out of things to talk about. I heart him. WAIT until you see the super girly valentines gift I'm making him, oh man its out of control.