Nada

No word from the damn fancy family yesterday OR today. I'm SO frustrated. I called my agency and left ANOTHER message asking if they called her maybe. Haven't heard anything. I haven't lost hope, I'm just annoyed more than anything else. Either my agency or the family is SUCKING and not letting me know so I can move on with my life. And furthermore, I turned down another perfectly good job because I was waiting for these jerkfaces. I may have another interview tomorrow, but she has 3 kids and doesn't want to pay more than $15/hour so I think I might just cancel the interview. This is what Im dealing with people.

Number 2 finally brought up the text message thing yesterday. He said he was so drunk he didn't even remember texting me until the morning when he saw the long "conversation" we had. Obviously I knew he was drunk and it didn't mean anything to him, but I cant help but analyze and wonder why he always texts ME. No time to dwell, the conversation ended with him saying,
"anyway, you know Im crazy about you."
"uh, no your not"
"yes I am, just not the way you want me to be."

just when you think that stabbed in the heart-I feel like Im going to throw up-crying my eyes out- phase has gone away.
It rears its ugly head once again.

But in all honesty, I AM getting over him. I really am. I dont think about him all day anymore. I've only cried twice in the last few weeks since I ended it officially. When I talk to him I get irritated and change the subject when he tries to talk about sex with me whereas before I took it as a sign that he looooved me and was attracted to me...blah blah blah. bullshit. I ignore his calls. When I do talk to him I am getting really good at keeping my mind in the friend zone and not constantly analyzing what he says, looking for a sign that he loves me and wants me. I have already been flirting and putting myself out there with other guys. I know I probably need another few weeks until I'm ready to seriously date someone, but Im working really hard at getting there. I know I deserve someone awesome who values me and wants me to be a part of their life. And I genuinely do know it will happen someday. I just forget sometimes...annnnd cry myself to sleep.

Besides, Im really busy watching Wife Swap and Style By Jury.

Exciting News!

I have FANTASTIC news! I found my dream engagement ring!
Its on Etsy HERE

Not only is is classic and beautiful but its vintage and art deco too! My favorite! Ideally I would like a hand me down from his side of the family, but this will do too.

Also note: Not only am I not getting married, but I dont even have a boyfriend. Just a douche who drives me crazy and has no intention of marrying me. Crazy? I would say YES.

This is how I am spending my day while I WAIT and WAIT for the fancy family to call me to see if I made it to a trial day.
Im so anxious.

lovelove.

The Saga Continues

We talked yesterday for an hour while he drove up to his friends going away party...all his friends are going to grad school while he got rejected from all his schools:( his two besties are going to be in the Chicago area where he would have been too. Its been a rough year for the both of us. anyway. It was a formal $100/person party at some Russian restaurant..he "thought about inviting me but knew I didnt have $100" (great guy huh), he said he wasnt going to drink so he could drive home that night and study the next day and not be hungover. Sure enough around 11p I start getting the drunk texts. Pretty much every time he goes out I get a slew of texts. I used to take this as something sweet because it meant he was thinking of me and missing me while he was out...but then I realized, wait a minute? Why is he out without me? I should be there dancing and drinking and meeting his friends WITH him. Maybe not all the time, but SOMETIME. Seriously, once would be nice. Arg.

so he was texting me funny things...I was texting back quick funny answers. He texted something sexual and I responded
"yeah, but then you broke my heart so no more of that for you"

Then he writes back:

"love you"

UM. what am I supposed to do with that? WHY WHY WHY????!!!!
I wrote back "liar liar pants on fire drunky" because I reallllly didn't want to take it to heart. Im trying really hard to forget about it and remember that I should have been there with him. That he didn't mean it. That hes just a flirt. That hes a DOUCHE. but seriously? Love you? HES THE WORST. It's like he gets pleasure confusing and hurting me.

Then in the morning he texts me "dont worry about the Facebook post, it was just dancing".
So I check the Facebook post,
"wow i love Russian girls".

so now I dont know how to feel about him texting me that either?! He clearly feels the need to make sure I'm not upset. But does he just not want to hurt me because he knows how I feel about him? That has to be it. I'm so frustrated.

Seriously friends, I am an awesome girl. I am pretty (some say beautiful) and super fun and outgoing, I don't flirt with boys who aren't mine, I don't drink too much, I am an excellent dresser, I am well traveled and cultured, I have lots of different interests, I have a post baccalaureate teaching credential, I got great grades in college because I'm really smart...I mean the list goes on. So WHY am I getting treated like some second rate girl he found at the bar one night and doesn't know what to do with? Why WOULDN'T he want to bring me to his friends party? Have we been over how I'm pretty and super fun?

We haven't talked since then. He called me but I was busy. arg.

Anyway. Enough of douche number 2.

Last night I had THE BEST NIGHT! Annie and I bar tended a party at my old work where Annie still works. It was so much fun! We are awesome bartenders! We just flirted and danced with each other behind the bar and made awesome tips and would take breaks to dance on the dance floor...and drink free drinks and eat free food. Everyone loved us! Especially 3 men who just adored me...such a good night to boost my self confidence when douche has been shredding it. One poor bloke arrived and I immediately noticed him, he was really cute. He asked me to dance and I made him drinks and he tried to kiss me a few times...hehe. Then at the end of the night I find out he used to be a professional rugby player in New Zealand and is now a firefighter. I KNOW RIGHT. However, at the beginning of the night he was sober and fun but by the end he was super drunk, flirting with everyone, and expressed how his 5 year girl friend just broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

I gave him my number anyway of course.

Gosh, I hope tomorrow I hear from the fancy job. At this point I am going to be so disappointed if I dont get a trial day. So much anticipation. They said Monday or Tuesday so I still might not hear tomorrow...arg. I thought they needed someone asap! jeez! I lost the other family that wanted me to start asap. They said they had to try and find someone else since I wouldn't know until mid week and they needed someone to start tomorrow. but the more I think about it the more Im not sure it was the job for me. I want to do things with my kids...not just hang around the house.

anyway. we'll see.

lovelove.

Anonymity

I am all about honesty. I tend to tell people exactly how I'm feeling and have a very small filter. It's a good quality I guess. I've had a public blog connected to my name for a few years now...but then my love life started to pick up and I wanted to write about it. Then my family decided to follow my blog. Then the guy I was writing about found my blog. So...that's enough of that. Instead of filtering my writing, we're off to a new fresh start. A new name. A new anonymity.

Things with the boy are still ridiculous. I've been really good about not calling him or texting him, he...not so much. He keeps calling and texting me and it totally lures me back in. I try not to pick up all the time...and I dont have my phone with me all the time "waiting" like the old days so I miss his calls a lot which is good too (I'm not good with phones). Last week we got into a huge fight (or intense discussion as I like to say) when we tried to just talk...I don't think he understands that I need time away from him so I can be his friend. I can't just switch everything off like that. All this time I've been hearing "I think you're awesome (insert a lot of nice things he loves about me here), I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm not saying never, just not right now while I figure all of this out". So to me, that meant give me a few weeks and then I'll get it together. right? And he still seemed into me calling me all the time...flirting...all up in my grill when we would hang out. I'm not crazy here. Finally it came out thats not what he meant...he meant not now...not in the near future...just maybe someday. He then listed all of his previous relationships and how they were friends and/or hook up buddies for a long time before they were something official...I used to think that was good thing, like there was hope for us and that we were building a relationship, now it sounds so immature and weird to me. HELLO your 27 years old and you have never just dated someone and then had her be your girlfriend...I know I dont have a ton of experience in this department, but I do know this isn't college anymore Bud. In real adult world we date other adults. Arg. We were spinning around talking and talking when "hey, can I call u right back...Arthur is calling" UH NO. But I said fine because I was hoping it would clear my head a little. Not only does he not call back and finish the discussion, but he doesn't call me the next day either. DOUCHE. So this is what I emailed him: (sometimes I email him instead of talking because I can think clearer).

Im glad you didn't call me back last night, I was exhausted and
although valid, it heightened my emotions. I just cried and went to
sleep, woke up feeling clearer in the head. (even though it was rude
of you to end our serious conversation to talk to Arthur and then not
call me back, jerkface) Ok, Im emailing you so I dont get all crazy.
First of all, you know how I feel about you, you have to understand
how hard this all is for me. You were the first boy I've loved as an
adult, the first boy I've been this intimate with, my best friend when
I've been going through so much, the first person I could see myself
marrying, you have been my rock. So just going from feeling all of
that and now trying to not feel that way about you is really difficult
and exhausting. Why do you think I've been so busy? To keep my mind
off of you. Why do you think I kissed another boy? To keep my mind off
of you. To feel pretty and desired and loved even if it was only for a
little while, because the boy I really wanted to be kissing doesn't
want to kiss me back. I'm dealing with being rejected Bud, with not
feeling good enough, along with everything else going on in my life
now I have to let this go too, it sucks and it hurts and I hate it but
Im dealing with it.

But more than anything, I do want to be in your life and I do want to
be your friend. We just need to go slow and you need to be patient
with me. I had zero intention of talking about any of that last night,
I was actually really excited to talk to you about our lives and
trying this friend thing.

Ok, I think thats all.

Except...I love you. And thats the last time Im going to say it.

-me

----
Note, the boy I kissed was a pretty Brazilian at the bachelorette party. Number 2 managed to get it out of me and wasn't very happy about it...even though he's been clear he doesn't want to be with me and has told me to date other people...so that was awesome.

ANYWAY. He never responded. Never mentioned it. Just texted me a little each day about random things since then.

To be continued...

Bachlorette.

I forgot to post these favorite pictures from Melissas bachelorette party. I just LOVE these girls. and love that they included me in the festivities. That night ended with me and a beautiful Brazilian named Julio dancing the night away. Me with a cosmo in hand. Happy as a clam trying to forget my troubles.
hearts!

Exposure

Some of you are aware of my LOVE for So You Think You Can Dance. Obviously. When this dance came on it felt like someone had read my heart and mind and decided to make a dance out of it and broadcast it onto national television. I know Im not the only one who can relate to it, so many of us have gone through something like this. So watch and feel your heart become exposed as much as mine did.

In other news...Ive been keeping busy with friends trying to do lots of fun things! Micah's birthday! saw Inception! beer tour and a movie at Stone! But now I'm pooped and my tummy and head are bothering me. I feel weird. Maybe its all the leftovers I've been eating...perhaps I should be more picky. or maybe it's from when I went to the dentist and they poked and prodded my poor gums until I could taste the blood I was swallowing (sorry Kelsey). The dentist said, and I quote, "so two things are happening, one: you haven't been flossing, and two: I can tell your under stress." preach it dental hygienist. Stress is my middle name. soon to be upgraded to first.

Still haven't heard from the fancy family. They are supposed to let me know Monday or Tuesday if I made it to the trial day (still would be competing against other nannies, just fewer), but now this other super cute job has come up. They want me to start Monday! Two families with a baby each, using me for a nanny share. Super nice moms and really sweet babycakes. Obviously its not as sweet as a job as the fancy job...and it pays A LOT less, and no benefits. I dont really need the benefits...but still. But the fancy job will prob be taxed and the other fam wont...arg. The new family just emailed me telling me they are going to have to try and find someone else because they need someone to start asap and I need another week before Ill hear from the fancy job. The new family totally understands and understands what I need to do, they just need someone now. So I dont know what to do. Some people are saying to just take the job I was offered and others are saying to hold out and see what happens with the fancy family. I guess if the new fam doesn't work out and the fancy fam doesn't work out...something else will come along:/ I really need a job so I can start planning my trips to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia! arg! Also:

Things Im buying When I Have Money:
-new bathing suit
-laser hair removal
-kindle
-treadmill
-haircut
-tickets to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia

Running list occurs in my brain at all times.

Now That Im Famous

I have my second interview with the fancy family on Monday at 2:20 (am I the only one who thinks thats a weird time?). But YAYYYY!!! I really want this job! Not just because they are fancy, but because I really do feel like I am a good fit for them. Its really the job I was made for and have been looking for this entire time. Im kind of overqualified for the typical nanny jobs as a credentialed teacher and all my childcare experience...but the higher end nanny jobs are perfect for me!

We've been speculating about who the family is and lets just say...I could potentially be working for a very legit famous sports industry person...I probably wont ever reveal who it is on here since that would be breaking their confidentiality, BUT Ill probably be rubbing elbows with the fancies, and maybe you'll get to hear some stories.

I've been praying like crazy to get this job, or if its not the right job to get another awesome one asap. Please pray for me too! I dont want to just take anything...I worked SO hard in school and built up my work experience so my resume would be awesome, I need it to pay off so I can move out. go to Buenos Aires and Machu Pichu. Go visit Cassie. enjoy my life.

Know what else I've been praying about? that I would get over that darn boy. I just want to stop loving him so I can be his friend. Its really hard. Especially when he calls because "he just wanted to hear my voice" and see how Im doing. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?! I get really anxious when I dont talk to him or when he calls and I dont answer. Like...REALLY anxious. Skin crawling-stomach bunching-head spinningly anxious. BUT I've been doing a healthy mix of staying super busy having fun with my friends and family, drinking, and praying every night. A lot. I have plans the next 3 days and just keep on trying to make plans every day/night.

I just keep trying to remember how unhappy I was.
you were unhappy lady. he never spent time with you. he never made time for you. he never introduced you to his friends and family. he never called you his girl friend. etc.

and yet I still love him and wish things were different. and I still secretly hope someday things WILL be different and we can be together.

until then, tonight its Melissas bachelorette party and I am going OUT with my girls!!!! Boys, you can suck it! (Until I need you as a dance partner)

lovelove.

Balance

So of course life is still an appropriate mix of suck and awesomeness. I try and ride more on the awesomeness state of mind...but somedays its hard. All of my job prospects didn't work out for one reason or another...and one of my tutoring kids peaced out for the rest of the summer so I only have one student now. I interviewed yesterday with a DREAM position, it went great, but I've gotten so discouraged from being hit over the head with attempting to job search this last MONTH that Im sure it wont work out like everything else. But Im still hoping and putting all my heart into the interviews and the entire process. When I look at the future and see myself with the job, I am SO SO SO happy! I really need to trust that God has something for me, and actually pray and ask for it.

Things with the boy are rough. Its really hard to try and be friends with someone your in love with. So I'm taking some space. Oh, and he didn't get into Notre Dame. As if it even matters anymore.

In good news! (probably should have started with that) Ive been having fun with my friends and family:) birthday parties, family PJ snuggle days, friends back in town, lalala so fun! THEN last night some of my girls and I all went up to se Kat in LA because she hooked us up with being on the series finale of The Hills MTV event! It was a ridiculous event, but we had so much fun! I dont watch the Hills and had no idea who people were, but I loved getting dressed up and hanging out with mi amigas. Plus seeing Kat was super nice because she is always so far away in LA LA Land. OH, and also...I was on TV. Yeah...thats me in the green behind Audrina...and whats her face Montag...and the rest of the show:)
The Hills: Live After Show (Season 6) | Ep. 12: "Lauren, Kristin, Audrina and the cast relive their past 'Hills' moments."
How COOL am I? Also, how God awful is that show? Jeez.

But THIS is the real reason I went:

Loves.

So the job search continues. The desire to move out or go somewhere or do SOMETHING continues to grow...life escapes me.

Things are Looking UP!

WELL I have three interviews this week! THREE! All for the pay that I want and with families that seem really great! Woohoo! One was today and its for a job in Dana Point I would have to move for...another is in RSF just M-F 2-8p...and the last one is locally and is just W-TH-F (every other Wednesday actually) with 11 hour days. I don't think I want the Dana Point job for a variety of reasons...including having to move to the OC (disgusting) and spend all the extra money Im making on rent. But I think Im going to have a hard time choosing between the RSF and the 3 day a week job. I also found another job working just one 12hr day a week which I could do along with the 3 day a week job and would make really good money each week actually...but it would be a long week. So we will see how things go. RSF sounds great because its two girls ages 3 and 5 (so fun!) and if I needed vacation time or something, I could just let the mom know ahead of time and it would work out. We'll see how everything goes!

Meanwhile, I had the best weekend EVER!
jazz in the park...world cup at D street with friends...beer festival...Grease sing-a-long...more world cup with friends...AWESOME!

Heres the best picture ever of me and Melissa at the festival...BEER FESTIVAL IS AMAZING!!!


annnnd I ate my yearly turkey leg...sorry Vegans...sorry turkey...sorry tummy. but it was worth it.

Also, I made a life plan for the next year. I will let you know in the next post.

lovelove.

Apparently

Ive been working really hard on my Encinitas substitute application. I downloaded it from the internet, copied a million documents they ask for, and had it all ready to go take to them today.

Being a substitute was my back up plan in case I didn't find a permanent teaching position or found a legit nannying or tutoring job. So Im on my way and called to make sure someone would be there to take my application (they go through and check to make sure the million papers are all signed and filled out correctly) and the "nice" lady on the phone informs me that they have a freeze on their substitute pool and aren't taking applications while they try and clean it out. She said to try again September 1st and they might have some openings.

YOUR WEBSITE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

I hate you.

and freaking Carlsbad STILL hasn't approved my sub application.

ARG.

It was my BACKUP plan. I don't even really want to sub but was just going to try and do some to get into a district.
BACKUP PLAN.

So I cried a lot. And left the boy a message yelling and cursing about it. I NEVER yell. It was weird. Looking for a job is already so draining and difficult...then when you top it off with an economy of SUCK...your pretty much screwed. But I'm still trying. Applied for 3 more jobs today...

One of the jobs I applied for being a nanny in Dana Point called me 10 minutes later because it ended up being a pretty legit agency. She was really interested and said she called me because she was so impressed with my website:) (It worked!). She did a little interview right then and had me send her references. She said the next step was she'll check my references...do an in person interview...then I interview with the family. It definitely made me feel better after the substitute disaster, but I don't have a lot of faith it will work out. None of my other agencies have worked out. And the hours were weird but she said they were negotiable. see that, faith is GONE. I hate jobs.

ALSO
I was reading over my blog from when me and Number 2 first started dating and thought our first date entry was so cute so I emailed a copy to him just to be cute one day...
Here was our conversation that evening (to my HORRER)

me: did you get the little email I sent you?
Number 2: What email?
me: the one of my blog
Number 2: oh, yeah...but I've already read it
me: what? how? wait. WHAT?!
Number 2: yeah, I found your blog a long time ago
me: YOU NEVER MENTIONED IT?!

yeah, thats me. freaking out.
but then I read it back and was ok with it...and he didn't seem to mind too much. I kind of always write knowing he could possibly have found it...I mean...I don't hide it publicly.

But thats that. It was pretty clear it wasn't his favorite thing about me...haha. So just when you thought I was back.

ALSO
I had my first tutoring job today with the girls from my 4th grade class. So fun! Loved it! It felt really good to be teaching again...I miss it.

thats all for today.
lovelove.

Let's Discuss

Can we talk about how Im almost 25?

Can we talk about how friends I've grown up with are getting MARRIED.

They are having or had BABIES.

BABIES.
BABIES.
BABIES.

This is what Im saying.

We're really old.

I'M really old.

Somedays I really don't want to get married because I like being alone sometimes and need space...
but then other days I watch too much Say Yes to the Dress...
or get lonely alone in this big bed...
or imagine getting to always be with my best friend (whose not a dog)...
or need someone to tell me I'm pretty...
and care where I am and what I did today (even if its nothing)...
or want someone else to do the dishes because I cooked...
or just want to snuggle...

and then I start googling THIS:




and somedays its just a real "problem".

But then I also remember that I like to be able to watch whatever I want...and turn the light out when I want...and don't have to share my bed with anyone...and can sleep without someone snoring or someone getting up before me...and I don't have to cook for anyone...and can have dates with all my friends and family every night of the week and have so much fun...and get to have a cute little Bella as a bed buddy.

so really...it all evens out.

Job Hunting SUCKS

I just keep applying for jobs and keep not hearing anything and then do it all over again the next day.
VERY frustrating. The boy had to break it to me that Im going to have to take something crappy to start out with and work my way up. I guess I figured I could avoid this since I have so much experience and a credential. I really don't want to substitute...it pays crap and I don't like not knowing the kids. And all the nanny jobs not through the agency top off at $15/hour which is ok if you don't have a degree but not ok with you have a degree and a teaching credential. Im giving it 2 more weeks of applying for the good jobs that Im totally qualified for...then Ill start looking at the cheaper paying ones.

I did hear back from my dream art teaching job I applied for...they said my travel experience and background sound wonderful and they'll be getting back to applicants in the upcoming weeks. Finally an answer! and from my dream job! woot! Im so discouraged that at this point I just figure I wont hear from anyone...but I keep on trying.

Family stuff and job searching and boy moving has taken a lot out of me. All of a sudden yesterday and today Im exhausted and all weepy:( I've been exercising to get some endorphins and to release stress which totally helps. And I've been making myself hang out with people I love even though I feel antisocial a lot of the time. I made yummy vegan cookies and Im reading good books.

God, I could use a break.

I start tutoring next week...I went and visited my little school to get stuff from the kids teachers to do with them over the summer. That will be awesome. Im really excited about it. She said she has 2 more students that will hopefully hire me too. If I could just tutor over the summer...that would be awesome!

Tooter.

So a mom from my fourth grade class just called and asked if I could tutor her daughter and maybe one other girl at the same time a few times a week over the summer. so excited! These two girls were always in the low groups in my class so they were pulled for quite a few subjects during the day, but they still really loved me. They always ran up and gave me big hugs in the halls even when I had moved to second grade. Cute little girls. So now at least Ill have a little money coming in. And if I get a nanny job, then I can still tutor in the evenings. woot!

I have fun plans during the evenings this week...and I'm trying to fill my days with keeping busy cooking or baking, exercising, chores, job hunting. But really all I want to do is nothing. I do like cooking and baking and exercising...but nothing else appeals to me. Who wants to do chores and run errands on their few days of freedom before they enter the working world for real? BLEH. not me. So I have successfully procrastinated a few things...and instead have been:

-sleeping. a lot. stay up late...sleep in...afternoon nap. LOVE IT.

-reading. a lot. I think Im going to join Melissas book club AND I just ordered a new book off amazon AND I still havent finished my Degas book. sitting in bed and reading should be a law.

-watching wedding shows in WETV. Between Bridezillas and Say Yes to the Dress I have very mixed feelings about getting married. I shouldnt watch them anymore...they make me miss the boy.

-baking bread. tomorrow cookies:)

-exercising. thanks P90X for kicking my butt.

I think I might try and take the bike out for a spin later too. My life is awesome.

hmm

So my nanny agency isn't looking too good...she doesn't really have anything for me. Apparently its really difficult to find someone a full time job with normal hours? Jeez. It's not her fault really...all of her clients have these weird schedules and and requests and I'm just not up for a crazy family. So I just finished registering with another agency as recommended by a friend of mine. It doesn't seem to pay quite as much...but the jobs look more normal so that's a plus. I'm already starting to get burnt out on sending out resumes and applications...its just so exhausting to spend so much time getting things together and sending them out and then hearing nothing back or it just not working out. So discouraging.

Last night I stuck to my new plan of not having anymore fattening beer and went for a cranberry vodka...apparently I am sensitive to this because it kept me up until 4 in the morning. joy. I just tossed and turned from midnight until 4am when I finally went to sleep. Then I woke up with a back ache from my damn hip hop abs yesterday and a tummy ache from being a girl. So Im a little cranky today.

Plus Im all anxious because I havent talked to the boy since Thursday and not knowing what hes doing stresses me out. Not because I think hes doing something wrong...its just weird because I always know how he is and whats going on and now I dont and it makes me sad and all fussy. Plus, I miss my best friend. cant help it.


Some things that have been making me happy:
-my garden is awesome!!! lettuce, herbs, arugala, chia, carrots, cucumbers, eggplant, peppermint, tomatoes...so fun!

-Ive had all this time to read, currently reading a book about Degas' ballerinas. LOVE. I think I finally have time to join melissas book club because I can read my book choice and the clubs...because I DONT HAVE HOMEWORK ANYMORE SUCKA!!!

-I bought new music!!! I was so excited that I forgot to buy it in LP or CD form so I can share it with friends and now iTunes owns my life. But Ill remember for next time. Its been that long since I bought music. so sad that I forgot my own rules. But im enjoying my new Broken Bells, Black Keys, and The National. Broken Bells is ok I guess, The National wins with Black Keys in a close second. And I keep replaying a Bloc Party song the boy sent to me thats all romanticy.

-I got to see Sex and the City 2 last night and contrary to everyones grumpiness about it, I loved it! I had such a good time seeing it with melissa and friends and I just missed those SATC girls. It made me miss my girls though. and my Big. Someone got a little teary on the drive home. and that someone was me.

ughhhh I feel awful...I only had 2 drinks...Now I remember why i dont drink hard liquor. Red Wine, Im coming back to you!

Efil

SO
The last 8 months of my life have been nothing but drama. Family drama
mostly, with a big dose of boy drama thrown in. Plus some illness and
school drama to boot. Most of it I didn't feel comfortable writing
about...and still don't. But my life has and is continuing to change
so much since I started this little bloggly blog 4 years ago.

I JUST FINISHED SCHOOL!!!
The thing I've been complaining about all of these years is finally
done! I walked 2 weeks ago but literally just walked out of my last
day of student teaching (had to make up teaching time after my actual
grad walk due to said dramatic illness). It feels amazing to be done
but also scary and overwhelming now that I have to try and find a real
job...and there aren't many to be found. But I'm working really hard
at finding something that pays decently and has lots of vacation time.
oh yeah...and I get to play with cute kiddies all day.

Im working on substitute apps which pay barely enough to survive...and
high scale nanny apps which should be more lucrative and more my
style. If I can't have my own class I don't really want to sub.
Nannying sounds like a blast! I'd get to take my child(ren) on fun
outings, travel with the fam, have more flexible travel time for
myself, exercise and run errands during the day, and actually teach
just in a different setting. So fun. Well see how it comes along:)

The boy and I are still a little dramatic sometimes...but were ok. We
love eachother...it's just really hard when we both have a lot of
stuff going on (more than the average person for sure) and are also
trying to start a relationship. But well figure it out. I'll just go
ahead and say it, he's the love of my life. My best friend. Favorite
person. I have so much hope for us but nervous about where our lives
are taking us.

I need to escape. I need to go on a cruise asap and I'm not kidding.
PLEASE someone come with me!!!

I'll try and get back into the habit of writing now that I'll have a
little more time.

All my love.

Instead

Oh dear readers, I wish I could update you with every detail of me and Number 2's winter romance, however I just can't. Things are still complicated, but we're figuring it out. Either we will be together, or we won't. Ill let you know when I do. The more serious things have gotten between us, the less I want to share. But however things turn out between us, I will be sure to keep you in the loop!

So, instead. I want to prove you with a funny quote from the David Sedaris book I finally found time to read (reason #1007 why I love winter break), When You are Engulfed in Flames. here it is, he is referring to cigarettes and smoking, teehee:

"I may have been a Boy Scout for only two years, but the motto stuck with me forever: Be Prepared. This does not mean "Be Prepared to Ask People for Shit," but "Think Ahead and Plan Accordingly, Especially in Regard to your Vices."

ahaha totally laughed out loud. The book isnt a page turner or anything, but its pretty funny and has me laughing out loud.

Christmas is coming!
Im going to Spain on the 27th for 2 weeks!
Im done with my BA!

Now to get the boy drama under control and all will be well.

lovelove.

You Tell Me.

Sorry to keep you in suspense dear readers. I’m sure you’ve been checking here everyday, what happened with Number 2???!!! Your nails are probably all bitten down to nubs (oh wait, that’s me), and you’ve been popping Xanax just so you can get through the day without me. Haha.

Well. Of course, things are so complicated it hurts. Here’s the thing:

We may have accidentally fallen in love with each other. And this may be a problem.

And neither of us know what to do. There is no right or easy answer. In the beginning his moving away was just his hope or dream, and now that he is in Chicago right now interviewing with his dream school, Notre Dame, that little hope has become a reality. He wont know if he got accepted or not until around the 19th, but its looking good. And if its not there, then he’ll probably get in and attend somewhere else far away. And I’d like to move somewhere else for awhile to. Maybe teach English in Europe, or still pursue teaching in New York…I don’t know. But what do you do when you found someone so great and so fun…but its inevitably either going to die or you have to move together or something drastic like that. So what do you do?

We have some ideas, and I hate all of them. They include things like taking a break for a few weeks while I’m in Spain and figuring out if we really want to do this, because we’re going to have to really want it if we’re going to put all this work into it. Friends with benefits was mentioned, which I HATE and will never ever do with anyone. Or just being friends. Or just being nothing. Just enjoying things while it lasts and then seeing what happens in the end. I move there too (crazy that this is an option) Etc. See what I mean, every idea pretty much sucks.

And I found out he’s already done the long distance thing in 2 relationships and they both sucked. I haven’t done that before, so I don’t know how it is…which is probably why I’m more willing to go with whatever on this. There is a lot I’m leaving out with this of course. But you get the idea.

After not finding anyone worth my time in 6 YEARS, I finally found someone so great. Who treats me so well. Who I have so much fun with. Who sends me pictures of my favorite artists paintings while they’re at the museum in Chicago. Who calls me 10 times a day to tell me about everything happening in Chicago. Who drives 45min to see me at 1am because he misses me. Who has me ask them practice interview questions. Who calls me right after his interview to tell me all about it. Who makes me laugh like no one else I know. Who wishes I lived closer so we could just hang out everyday. Who can talk about the current state of the economy and then King of the Hill in the same conversation.

So what do you do?

Sometimes I’m sure this is going to be my life…not exactly, but similar. Probably without the happy ending. Arg.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTnzPuFPxPw

And I thought that was bad.

SO. I thought last week was the worst week of my life. Boy, was I sadly mistaken. This has been such a ridiculous week that I cant help but laugh (while crying of course) as things continue to go wrong.

TO BEGIN WITH. Remember why I was so stressed out last week? Trying to get my HUGE teacher performance assessment (TPA) done along with all my other school work. It was a wretched week. It took at least 10 hours, probably more. Plus 2 seminars I had to go to for it. It was due Monday at midnight and I finished Sunday evening! yay me! But after I had spent all this time copying and pasting my answers into the little boxes (seriously took an hour), and tried to click submit...it says the form was from last year? So I had to sign up again. and re-paste everything in, again. so then when I went to hit "submit", it says I have to be approved first. I did get approved Monday, so all I had to do was log on and click submit. thats all I had to do. But who is stressed out and forgot? And even if they had remembered it wouldn't have mattered because our internet was down because the cable just happened to be getting worked on that night. THIS IS MY LIFE.
SO NOW.
SO NOW.
I had to get a cashiers check for $85 freaking dollars and fill out a special form and take it to school and drop it off so I can submit it late. Yep, thats right. Im paying $85 to submit something late that I had done a full 24 hours before. 12 hours worth of work. yep.

So that was the beginning of my Tuesday. Panic and anger over the TPA. Great. Tuesday also happened to be the day I was supposed to hear from Teach for America. I was hoping this would make me happier. Also, sadly mistaken. Not only did I not get placed in NY, I didn't get placed ANYWHERE. I was somehow not accepted into the Teach for America program at all. Most of you know this already. It was awful. I got the email toward the end of my day teaching and had to try and keep it together for the rest of the day...then as I was finally walking to my car the tears started to fall...then as soon as I was in my car it was serious cry fest 2009. I still catch myself thinking "oh when you move to NY...oh wait..." it really sucks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't accept me. I am already a teacher!!! I already work in low socio economic schools!!! My interview day was fabulous! I just don't understand. This is why I am cynical. This is why I try not to look forward to things, because they never work out and life is just a bitch. So now I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. and part of the reason I was so upset is because of that. It was just a lot of emotions. You plan for something and are so excited about it, and then BOOM. Nothing. Arg.

So that was my day. But don't worry. It keeps going. My week of shit. My dearest Number 2 offered to take me out that night to make me feel better, he told me to pick a movie and maybe we'll get a drink, just something casual. So I chose Couples Retreat because I just wanted to laugh and everything else looked lame or scary. So we were having a great time, laughing some, it was just getting good, WHEN THE MOVIE STOPPED WORKING. Yeah. just stopped. So they gave us free tickets for another movie and told us to wait a bit for it to come back on. 30 minutes later we were informed that it was broken for good and gave us our money back. yeah, that was my day. So we went and talked and I drank good beer and it was nice. It made me feel better just to be with him. He makes me so happy. so at least that was good.

The next day Number 2 heard from Notre Dame. he got an interview for their MBA program. Try being excited for your favorite person when you just got rejected and when it means they will potentially be moving across the country. Yeah, its pretty awesome and not at all taxing on ones emotions.

then yesterday. yesterday i sat in traffic all the way from small school to my college to drop off the freaking $85 and form. I finally get there, park, am ready to walk the long walk to the office...BUT DONT WORRY. I FORGOT THE MONEY AND FORM AT HOME. yep. this is my life.

So my heart is just exhausted. Plus, things with Number 2 are getting complicated. Things just hurt right now. But this weekend looks promising...
-last night had wine night with Melissa-so fun!
-tonight we're also getting my favorite Thai food.
-after dinner Number 2 and I might meet up for something fun.
-tomorrow I was going to visit Kelsey, but I don't think I can:( I have to go to a -museum for school and then Micah and I are going to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox (I love Wes Anderson!).
-Then Sunday morning is brothers birthday breakfast at a fancy restaurant in Del Mar with the whole family!

Things are looking up.

I'm still sad. I have still been crying every night a little. I think I just need time to be sad about everything. This sucks.

I know it will be ok. I know I will figure it out. I don't feel bad about myself. I just feel...sad.


I still love you NY.

Swoon.

Setup:
You may not know that this has been the equivalent of my hell week. Ive been EXTREMELY stressed out all week due to a huge Teacher Performance Assessment (TPA) take home test we all have to do. Its literally at least 8 hours worth of work when I already have very little time to do homework as it is. PLUS I am taking my final CSET tomorrow and have had to find time to study for that...will be doing that today and spending the rest of the weekend trying finish the TPA, yippee:( So every night I have had to take ibprofun for these awful headaches I get from such long days and then have to try and work on the TPA or other homework. And I haven't been sleeping very much because I'm so anxious about everything I have to do...so Im a bit of a mess.

Luckily, although very tired and still have bouts of fussiness, I am surprisingly joyful and doing ok. Normally I get pretty depressed when I get stressed out, but now this time. Could be that I take better care of myself. OR it could be because he still calls me everyday, sometimes 2-3 times to tell me funny stories or "just to hear my voice" because "he misses me". I know right, swoon. OR because I had to google the other day "what does love feel like" because sometimes I so sure Im falling in love. OR because he doesnt ever even use my name, he just calls me "beautiful", as in I pick up the phone and he always says: "hey beautiful". Yeah, who is this guy?

A 5th Date:
Number 2 and I had plans for Saturday evening late for a drink. Why was it going to be late? Oh, because his sisters are throwing a benefit concert for the hurricane victims in the Philippines and hes in charge of playing with his nieces during the event. He loves them. Its freaking PRECIOUS. But. We missed each other already. So when he texted me last night "I wanna see you" just when I was about to throw my books in the fire and call it quits on school in general, I gladly accepted his offer. I got to wear a new dress. And we went to a nice lounge type bar in La Jolla. We got to cuddle and talk a lot and it was so nice, and just what I needed. We tried to talk about "where is this going", but I think we are both still too scared to push things just yet. I'm scared of getting hurt and I think he's scared of getting his heart broken. We have issues. Who doesn't. I find out about Teach for America on November 12th, that will definitely influence things. So for now, we just know that we love spending time together. and that "I'm constantly on his mind". and that we like each other. I'm trying to let that be enough, but its hard. And I'm finding there are no right ways of going about things. There are so many options and ways I could handle us, any of them would "be fine" I just have to pick one.

Of course all of this doesn't help me sleep at night either. Oh the analyzing.

Melt.

Things are good:)
I dont know what else to really write. I am happy. Despite being EXTREMELY stressed out with the amount of school work I have to do this week and over the next few weeks, he is actually the perfect glimmer of light while everything is so crazy. Except I have a hard time concentrating and focusing because I keep thinking about him and whats happening. Im trying really hard not to over analyze everything, but you know me. its really difficult. So instead I just replay all the sweet moments we have with each other and try not to dissect them. Yeah, wish me luck with that one.

Number 2 and I went shopping and had lunch together on Saturday afternoon. It was nice to spend time together, we just really like each other:)H&M didnt have anything...except I did get to replace my holey black cardigan with a new one. I dont want to throw away the old one though. its been ALL OVER THE WORLD with me! its been my partner in crime for so many years now, Europe, India, NYC, Portland, everywhere. So I might save it for the quilt im going to make. Then we went to Tiffanys, Jimmy Choos, and Bloomingdales. of course lots of cute things at Bloomingdales, of course everything was $200+. But he was so fun. and he had fun. and i didnt take forever trying things on or anything, and we just laughed and cuddled. but he was still getting over being sick so I could tell he was tired and not as silly as usual. but it was ok with me.

we still talk everyday on the phone and/or AIM. In fact, we're talking right now. I always have homework and hes always working on his grad applications, so AIM is working well for us in the evenings. But then we dont want to go to bed, so we're working on that. teehee.

one tiny little snippet to share. And you will see why I want to keep as much in my heart as possible. direct quote:
"I just adore you."

this is what Im saying. What do I do with this guy all adoring me, oh man.