the time is now the walrus said!!!

TO GO TO PALM SPRINGS!!!

so im at freaking work until 4pm...1 more hour...
and then i rush to target to get some new sunglasses and diet coke
and then rush home to finish packing
and then we gooooooooooooooooooooooooo

good news!
cut boy in my lit and psyc class talked to me yesterday for like 10minutes! annnd he was totally trying to talk to me like he was interested in my life...not just random stuff or whatever. i only realized later how exciting it was!
and today fedex guy came by, hes so cute and nice...but im wondering if all fedex guys are so friendly and flirty like that...im getting the feeling they are.
note to self: never marry a fedex/ups guy...damn

next week is going to be horrible. i have so much to do its kinda frightening. hence why this weekend has to be amazing! prep for the hell to come...

i stole someones food out of the fridge today. i feel kinda bad, but it was just a burrito in a big box of cosco size box ones. and it was organic with no meat! i couldnt resist! but also, we're supposed to throw away stuff with no names on it, and the box didnt have a name soooooo...
maybe i should replace it. this reminds me of when that guy kept stealing ross's sandwich at the museum office and ross FREAKED out. i dont want someone to get mad.

i miss movies, i havent gotten to watch any all week.

i brought math homework to do, but id rather kill myself so i voted "no" on doing it. id rather sit here and do nothing obviously.

u know those little needles that grow on palm trees? one time i got 3 of them poked thru the webbing in between my fingers. i was rollar blading or something and put my hands out on the tree to try and stop myself. it hurt like a bitch. i think i was 12. i just rmemebered that cause out the window theirs a bunch of them and they look very forboding. i think if we're stranded on an island, i would use them to sew things...and use plant strings for thread. id be very resourceful.

speaking of islands, i watched LOST the other night and it was so good. but i have no one to talk to about it cause ive been to busy. this jacob thing/fellow is weird and kinda annoys me cause as they're revealing secrets of the island, they are less cool then the ones i came up with. or are they?!

i want a diet coke so bad. but i only have a 10$ bill and i dont want all that change. maybe i should scrounge around for some change in the bottom of my purse. cause i want it real bad. and its tea time.

i think im graduating with my AA in 2 weeks.kinda exciting right.

this will make u laugh a lot.

survey to beat my wednesday blues

sooooo i go to palm springs this weekend if u havent noticed. its pretty much going to be the best time of my life, thanks.

in celebration!

Body: Write exactly what's on your mind and don't change it.

1. My 'ex' is still= pretty, but not the one for me

2. I am listening to= kyxy 96.5 at work...its commercials tho

3. Maybe I should= quit picking my nails cause the left hand is ugly

4. I love= pink pens, i just got one and it makes me really happy

6. I don't understand= how fish breathe underwater

7. I lost my respect for= jessica simpson. hehe

8. I last ate= a chicken bake from costco. too much cheese. and it had bacon and was really upsetting. now my tummy hates me

9. The meaning of my display name is= my name, pretty clever huh

10. Love is= so fun! but also pretty heartbreaking

11. Someday= i have a new hybrid

12. I will always= have a dog, when i dont, u will know i am sad without one cause i love dogs so much

13. Love seems to be= misunderstood by our generation

14. I never ever want to lose= my friends, i love them

15. Myspace is= GREAT for keeping up with all my friends who live around the world

16. When I woke up this morning= i wanted to kill myself cause i was so tired

17. I get annoyed with= my boss who forgets things and then blames me

18. Parties= AMAZING with the vpdq. pretty much the best times in my life

19. My pet[s]= are wonderful, i am in love with them. Bella and Lola, basically my house is a sirority.

20. Kisses= aww i miss them...lets see, its been 3 years...sigh

21. Today I= woke up at the crack to get to work for 730am, came here to work, took my lunch going to cosco getting my eye exam and new contacts, now im here...have school later...art homework...bed

22. I wish= i was already graduated from school, i hate it and i have 2 more years and even then i dunno if ill get to do what i want to do. sucks. i also wish i had lots of money to go on trips and buy a new car and move out. sucks

23. I really want= to move out with annie and send for cammie to come and live with us and i get him a good job. a new car. free flights so i can take mission trips galore. find boyfriendc, hes apparently lost

PRESENTLY-
01. is your hair wet?: thatd be weird
02. is your cell phone right by you?: yeah
03. do you miss someone?: always
04. are you wearing chap stick?: yeah! howd u know?!
05. are you tired?: yeah, not to bad tho
07. are you watching tv?: no, im at work
08. are you wearing pajamas?: no, see above.

HAVE YOU-
01. recently done anything you regret?: no, i dont think so
02. ever lied?: no im perfect
03. ever kicked someone?: not meanly, just joking around. imnot abusive ok!
04. ever tripped over your own feet?: story of my life!

TODAY-
01. have you cursed?: no

02. have you yelled at someone?: i was realizing that i dont really yell (aggresivly)...weird huh

03. have you gotten mad at someone?: i got a little irrate with my boss for forgetting and blaming me, but im over it. thats just how he is.

RANDOM-
Q: is there a person who is on your mind right now?: annie cause this was her survey

Q: do you have any siblings?: brother

Q: do you want children?: as many as i can find

Q: do you smile often? yeah, most of the day

Q: do you wish on stars?: no, usually i just end up praying

Q: do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?: haha yeah right, i hate shoes...all i wear are sandals or heels or flats. shoes can suck it

Q: do you like your handwriting?: yeah, but sometimes i think it looks like a little kids, teehee

Q: are you a friendly person?: do people answer "no" to this? do people think they're unfriendly? thats a better question

Q: who's bed did you sleep in last night?: like ull ever know

Q: what size ring do you wear?: large and incharge.

Q what color shirt are you wearing?: black and a green sveter that shows of my boobs

Q: do you have any pets?: didnt we already go over this? 2 dogs, now leave me alone!

Q: what were you doing at 7pm yesterday?: being stressed out

Q: I can't wait until: THIS WEEKEND IS PALM SPRINGS

Q: Is tom on your friends list?: maybe, i dont know

Q: ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yeah, its kinda awkward so i try not to do it often

new rule

people arent allowed to post things about being done with school/only having one midterm left/ect.

i mean, whats the point really?

and i dont mean on ur own personal blog, i mean on like a myspace bullitin or a facebook current status thing...

it just makes certain people jealous of u.

and its not really a conversation starter like gushing about a trip ur taking or how ur getting married or something like those things are.

its just u bragging, and what did Jesus say about bragging? he said u die, so ha.

so now let me tell u how i only have 3 weeks left of school, one of those weeks is just finals, and one of those weeks is this week which is about half over.

im going to palm springs this weekend with 3 of my best girls, and it will probably be the best time of our life. im going to proudly drink my troubles away, because i have a lot of them and im not ashamed.

india is to stressful and i dont wanna go anymore.

my dogs are really really really cute, and i wish i was allowed to take them everywhere i go.

its really hot out. yesterday annnd today. the fan in my room is shit so i need to buy a legit one. i had to sleep with the window open, which i never do cause im such a light sleeper and the window faces the street and i cant sleep with anything open or any light coming in. so i slept with headphones, but the dogs kept waking up and barking cause of the noises outside and it sucked.

i should go to starbucks and get a soy latte.

soooo im allergic to milk, not soy. so why do iced venti, soy, chai lattes, no ice...make me so sick? weird right. it tastes like cake, so good. i quit drinking them for a looong time cause they made me sick...but i had one last thursday when i wished i was dead from such a long day of school...and now my taste buds are awakened! however, 4$ for a drink is kinda crazy...maybe ill reserve it for when im with kels;)

palm springs is going to be in the low 80's this weekend. peeeerfect for sun bathing all day long.

my lit teacher still hasnt told us what our final is going to be. hes so weird.

ok, that is all.

boy crazy

soooo its happening again, ive been getting all boy crazy all the time.

im praying Jesus heals my heart cause im lonely and its annoying.

i dont want to just want to be around boys cause i want a bf, but i need to be around boys more for just some good ol healthy male attention.

so its a mixture of both.

Jesus, fill me up. help me to only want you and want more and more of you.

boys im all twitterpated about:
aaron weiss from mewithoutyou

declan bennett who played "roger" in RENT annnd is british annnd plays guitar and sings

a friend of a friend who lives in canada who i met on facebook (i know)

quite a few other friends who just need to get a few things together in their life and then id marry them, seriously. (prob like 4 guys, i know)

random guy in my lit class and psyc class

fedex guy who comes into work

finally thats all.
this is getting ridiculous.

ugh

guess where i went!

and had front row center seats for 20$

and it was my first time

seeing the broadway tour of RENT

AMAZING.

the movie sucks in comparison, and i loved the movie so thats saying a lot about the play

and the music director guy looked like X and he even played the piano like it was his job! well, it was...

ive been like on this high since the show, and kinda emotionally sad thats it over cause i thought me and "roger" and "mark" and the guy who looked like X became friends, and then the shows over and im kinda confused as to when we're gonna hang out again.

and then i remember ive never actually met them.

and the boys were real pretty, and i wanted to hang out with "Roger" (whos real name is declan and hes british, sigh) so i stalked him on myspace (cause hes very 'serious' about his music) and now we're friends, he even posted me a comment...except it was just about his itunes music so i dunno if that counts...

however, being in the front row with a lil cleavage did get me some eye contacts, so maybe we made out secretly in our eyes...

your eyes

and were almost done with school!!!
and im going to India for 2 months!
i leave june 16th ish!
and im going to cal state in the fall!

and i have a real legit blog that i post on, so u should go there and bookmark it cause ur really interested in my life.
esthermkerr.blogspot.com

PS: theirs weird people who follow the show around and were waiting for the 20$ tickets since 6am and had like a campsite and blue hair and were weird. just thought u should know. im not that crazy

days

so all my days definitly run together.
its tuesday and i keep thinking its thursday or something...
i keep thinking the weekend is real soon and the week is over.
i left cassie a comment on myspace about how her midterms went, and then realized that its only tuesday.
i wanted to call kelsey and see if she got the job, but its only 1030am
maybe its cause its still early.
hmm.

so the hell that typically comes with the mid point and end of the school year is finally here! huzzah! but actually, its not going to be THAT bad...at least, not as bad as past semesters. i just wrote everything i have left to do by class, and it was boring so i deleted it.

i dont like getting up early, my body gets so angry. alllll week i look forward to the days were i get to sleep until 8 or 9am...or better yet, for as long as i want. they are far and few between, and i get mad when i have to random plans on those days and have to get up to an alarm clock. its silly, but true. i like the night life, i like to boogie.

sooooo im procrastinating writing my paper for literature...i realllly dont like writing papers, ive written so many in the last 3 years i think i could consolidate them into a book and itd be legit.

palm springs!!! when im grumpy and hate school, it only means ive forgotten about palm springs!!! yay! this weekend we have kels graduation...and next weekend we have fun!

i have to drive up to santa ana to get shots done for my trip. i need both hepititus A and B, typhoid pills, and maybe a few other boosters. can we reflect on how im going to be in india for 2 months! thats such a long time. just the amount of toiletries i have to bring is crazy...i need to look into if they have things like shampoo and such there...cause last i checked, they only had weird kind. but we didnt really go into grocery-like stores very often so i dunno.

my cousin is staying in my room for the summer while im gone again.

today i have hair like Hermione. all big and kinda bushy. but hot, not weird.

ok thats enough rambling, i should probably start this fricken essay...bleh.

i just wanna go to india and teach babies art and then bring some home, is that to much to ask?

im going to india.

im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.

death

school

ive been here 8 hours and i have 4 more to go

i still have to study for a test and take a test

and tomorrow get up at the crack and go to work where i really should start work on my lit paper

im trying to tell myself only a month left

im not sure i can pull through

they put this much stress on us on purpose

so we die

i thought i could handle it

but im starting to fade

im dying kids

im dying

*collapses on the couch in the student center*

i want

this. real bad. but its to much money when babies are starving. so we'll just look at it awhile.


today i half day off cause i only had class at night, but i ended up having to write a paper, then lit homework, plus the class. it sucked. i still have more psyc tomorrow.

i failed my math test, and i very well may fail the class unless the teacher has mercy on me and i kick for this last unit on statistics and the final.

me and lola are watching LOST now, i miss annie.

a lot of things are happening in my life. im graduating with my AA this May, going to India for like 3 months, and starting a new school in the fall.
im crazy.

ooo juliets taking sun into the weird hospital thingie...this show kicks...im nervous tho...wheres annie...creept blinking neon lights...i never know if juliets lying or not...

ok, thats all for today.

even things u didnt want to know

im soooo bored. but tired from school and homework so i have no brain power to do anything else productive. parents are hogging the tv. to early for bed.

wheres annie.

-------------


i got this from a 15 year old.
i thought it would answer all those questions uve been dying to ask me.


-Prologue-

1. Who took your default pic?
micah in the disneyland bathroom...i cut her out:(

2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
brown soft pants. "save" darfur" shirt. glasses. bra. thats all. basically, pajamas

3. What is your current problem?
money for outreach. and passing certain classes

4. What makes you most happy?
all my girls together. my dogs. sleeping. traveling. music. Jesus.

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
amy winehouse-"back to black"

7. Do you like MTV?
i missed that phase. that channel REALLY irritates me actually.

Chapter 1

1. Nickname(s):
effer, effski, gaga, ef, hatti (in India)

2. Eye color?
blue like the sky

........................................................................................................

Chapter 2:
FAMILY

1. Do you live with your parent(s)
yes...its tiring...

2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?
usually...we have our moments

3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
married

4. Do you have any Siblings?
brother

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE

1. Ice Cream:
soy cookies and cream, or if im gonna induce pain on myself i go for ben and jerrys oatmeal cookie.

2. season?
autumn

3.Color(s):
pink black teal

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4:
DO YOU-

1. Write on your hand?
i try not to, it takes forever to come off...but yeah. it currently says 23degreesC, which is what a website said the temp in india is...

2. Call people back?
i try to, i suck at it.

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
the right. the doggies get the other side.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5:
Have You...

1. Broken a bone?
no ones suprised no

3. Had physical therapy?
no

4. Gotten stitches?
no gross

5. Taken painkillers?
of course, im a girl

7. Been stung by a bee?
once, trevor had to help me...it was weird

8. Thrown up at a doctors office?
ew no

9. Sworn in front of your parents?
haha yeah...now that im old its not weird...they do it more then me

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
the namesake. cassie burfday! so good!

2. Person to text you?
kelsey. about work

3. Person who called you?
dawn. about outreach!

4. Person to tackle you?
i havent been tackled in ages

5. Thing you touched?
obviously the key board...before that, the sink to wash my hands

6. Thing you ate?
really good pizza

7. Thing you said?
"ok im going back to my life now" leaving my parents downstairs

8. Had a detention?
yeah, this is for highschoolers

some things i love

my doggies. a lot.
mom is finally potty training Lola for real, so now she doesnt irritate me all the time.

movies. a lot.
u just learn so much, and get to escape reality for awhile. perfect for cudding!

Jesus. a lot.
sometimes im so overwhelmed by all He has done for me and continues to do for me everyday. im so thankful for being freeeee!!!

sleeping. too much.
i could seriously sleep all day.

harry potter audio books.
dare i say more?

disneyland.
makes ur insides burst with happiness just from the energy of walking into a place! let alone riding rides and eating crap food shaped like a mouse!

traveling.
im already making packing lists in my head for india and its like 2 monthes away. palm springs in like 3 weeks!!!

my job as the receptionist.
weird huh, but i really like it. im the office MANAGER, im in charge of everything! so fun! i just get to organize all day!

babies/kids.
i want some of my own so bad. but until then, i just love watching them play and learn and be so friggen cute. i cant wait to be a mommy. i cant wait to be a teacher!

india.
so excited!!! its more magical then disneyland.

ok, i just wanted to be optomistic in a blog for once, and im excited about these things but i forgot that God has blessed me with them so i need reminders to myself.

art show this friday at church! a special speaker speaking on the role of arts in a post modern world. free snacks and coffee! im really excited! i wish i didnt have night classes every night of the week, otherwise id totally join the art group there. i just love Jesus and i love art.

and i love sleeping, goodnight irene!

monday

have i ever mentioned how much i dislike school? HATE is a good word.

seriously, math is the hardest thing for me. and i cant focus on anything, and im oversensative to authority figures so i dont like asking for help, and it exhausts me to work so hard at focusing all day. its awful.

i do really like my child psycology class. even tho she assigns us way to many projects, and the class is thursday nights for 3 hours...i learn so much and i really like it. its encouraging that ive chosen the right major...kinda...
liberal studies. and a depth of study in art & aducation
what does one take for liberal studies?

hopefully no more math. i wont be able to pass it.

in other news, ill be going to India this summer! im trying not to get to excited since my ticket isnt officially bought yet. but yay! ill be in the north east part for about 7 weeks, and then hopefully flying down to Bangalore to see all my dear ones there for about 2 weeks there. and then home...just a few days before my new school, and a week before olivias wedding!

its all happening!

i have to get hepititus shots. malaria pills. anti diharrial pills, so i dont die like last time...ugh. a visa. travel insurance. so much to do.

if ud like to support me in my big huge mission trip, it would be much appreciated. everything costs money! but its well worth it. every little bit helps!

we're going to be pioneering an entirely new ministry in this area of India! itll be very relational with college age students at the universities in the area! i think we'll also be helping them with their first DTS at the base...encouraging the christians already there, ect.
amazing!

my dream life:
finish school and teach art at a cute private school for a little while.
help mummy in india get her ministry supported if needed.
live simply while working and save money for summers doing art evangelism around the world.
marry a pediatrician.
continue summers off doing ministry with him doing medical ministry and me teaching art to little ones.
adopt my babies from all over the world.
teach in the sunday school locally.
raise my babies and live happily ever after.

amazing!

ok, now im going to try and study for the math test im going to fail. awesome.

today

i woke up at the crack of dawn and convinced myself to go to class despite being o so tired (dont know why, i went to bed at like 1030)

my lit teacher read us 2 poems, we clearly upset about the virgina tech shooting, and told us we could go home. my next class was art, and it was 4 hours later, so i peaced out.

i went to jimbos and bought groceries.

came home and ate a yummy delicious organic banana.

threw it up.

i still dont know why.

slept for like 3 hours.

did homework.

now im watching american idol and waiting for annie to come home so we can watch Harry Potter 4!!! marathon on fox family, we watch one each night, so fun.

palm springs with the girls in one month!!!
parents home in a few days!
lolas not having so many accidents in the house now!

watched the royal tenebaums today, reminded me of old summers with machu cord trev cass and annie and even that ex boy...high school...sigh.

i love wes anderson.

all my love.
esther

cassies 21st birthday!

so yesterday we went to irvine to meet kelsey 1/2 way, to celebrate cassies 21st birthday!

we went to the cheesecake factory and then to see the Namesake...o right, i already wrote about what we were going to do in the last blog...ok...well attached are some pictures. enjoy. we're fun and we were happy.

THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN I LEAVE ANNIE HOME ALONE:
1) organizes the towel cupboard
2) cleans the entire house in preperation for people coming a week later cause she read the calendar wrong.
3) skims the entire pool and jumps in in the middle of winter
4) does all the laundry in the house
5) glues colored hole punch outs to my dogs ears
6) watches alice in wonderland or harry potter in her easter dress
7) locks herself in the backyard and has to climb in thru the doggie door, injuring her back
8) lola pees on her feet

this is why we need to live together.
i will miss her a lot when the parents come home.


hot friends


me and kelsey!


lovely ladies


cassies first legal drink!



so cute!



the best.ever.

this made me laugh a lot

last night i ended up having to stay over in Julian, but it wasnt such a sad thing, i love staying there! i slept better then i have in a long time...i was sooooo tired and its so quiet there and i got to stay in the bed i always stay in, and didnt have to get up a billion times cause the dogs are stupid. so twas nice.

i got home around 11am and took a shower and then went straight to bed until like 430pm. i was having an allergy attack and slept o so good.

then me and micah went to say bye bye to tisha kitty whos moving to apple valley...it was very saddening, but also a good thing for her life.

then micah and me went to get sushi and see Aqua Teen Hunger Force. it was pretty funny, to long tho. we had a nice time.

now me and micah and annie are watching harry potter and on our Apples. we're fun.

tomorrow is going to be SO FUN! its cassies 21st birthday!
me and annie and cass are going up to irvine to meet kelsey for lunch at the cheesecake factory, and then to see the movie The Namesake, which is about India so im very excited. im really looking forward to our fun day!

and now a comic for ur amusement...it made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

all my love dear ones.

REDEMPTION SONG

so these past few days ive been really reflecting on everything my God has done for me. Even if you dont believe in God, you cant argue with MY LIFE.

within the last few years, i was on so many medications for anxiety, depression, ADD, stomach pills (cause of stress i was getting an ulcer), it was ridiculous. i was fearful and worried and tired and overwhelmed and frustrated and all i wanted to do was either drink, watch tv, or sleep, just to get away from it all.

God called me perfect and wonderful. he literally, brought me out of darkness and death. "i was lost, but now im found." is so true for me. He loves me perfectly, all He wants for me is to BE WHO I AM, which is BELOVED. He healed my deepest darkest wounds and cried with me as i told Him my hurts.

we are now children of the marvelous light.

how can i go on living anyway but praising my Lord for literally saving me from darkness.

ive been redeemed. and im shouting it from the rooftops. cause u can to.

needless to say, God worked with me to get me off all my anxiety and depression and stomach meds. ADD is still a legit problem i have, but i dont need to take the meds very often, and i probably wont at all when im done with school. im not saying God does this for everyone, or that i wont ever relapse. everyones different, God often works thru meds and doctors and counseling...i recommend those things to a lot of people actually, but the point is that God desires u to be perfect. so when i worry about passing my mental issues onto my future children someday...i can rest assured that God can and desires to redeem anyone whos ready to live freely. it just may look different for each person.

go and be free little ones. He has called us into the marvelous light!

*side note*
my mental and physical health is also why i care so much about organic and all natural foods and products. its scienticly proven that all the crap in the air and food affects mental and physical health. more importantly, i believe God is calling us to a higher level of taking care of ourselves. He made our bodies and He made perfect foods for us to eat to keep them in top working order! why arent Christians the healthiest people in the world?! furthermore, why dont we strive to take care of the earth He gave us?

we're getting better.

im not perfect. obviously. i screw up all the time. but im trying.

ok, thats my soapbox about my Lord and true savior.

next time ill just write about skimmping gophers out of the pool and watering the lawn with bowls of water.

its all happening.
all my love dear ones.

im certainly not perfectly healthy either, but ive made HUGE progress in the last year or so. isnt it amazing that God takes steps with us a little everyday? He loves us so perfectly that its never overwhelming. i need to remember those things.

and now, somethings that made me laugh out loud at work, especially the last one. enjoy.

just a few things about my life...

yesterday me and annie found a dead gopher in our pool with poop coming out of its butt and its mouth open and annie was brave and scooped it out

our gardener told us to water the lawn, but the hose wouldnt work, so we used plastic cooking bowls and filled them with water from the kitchen and threw the water on the lawn that way...when we realized it would take forever, annie decided the backyard hose would go all the way to the front

im going to julian tomm night for a rehearsal for a podcast play im in. ill tell u when it airs.

ive recently discovered that during my 3 hr breaks in between class, i can cruise down to the B&N and get a soy latte and read books there, or magazines, or do my own HW (has yet to happen, thats why its a break!). so far ive bought 2 vegan cookbooks (im not entirely vegan, they eat a lot of fake products im not to crazy about, i can explain more about that crap later if u want). today at my B&N break i read/skimmed "psychology today" and a book about ADD. also a book about india. some dog training books. im fun huh.

now i have child psycology. i really like the class but its only once a week for 3 hours, which is to long for any class. arrrrg.

me and annie are having so much fun, i dont know what im going to do when she goes back home.

my stupid dog wont get potty trained. the least shes gone in the house since we got her is 2x a day. i need to call the dog whisperer.

im going to learn to cook. hence the vegan cooking books. im excited. i need my mom home tho to help me with getting ingrediants and meal planning, ect.

i miss my parents, but i dont miss living with them.

i need to move out. stupid dependency and dogs...arg.

finally i got new music, and its making the week so much better.

why hasnt anyone ever shown me "Of Montreal" im in love!

gotta go to class.

all my love dear ones.

easter and LA!!! spring break 2007!!!

but i don wanna go back to school...

soooo im avoiding writing my stupid literature essay cause im in denial of going back to school. bleeeeh...

GOOD THINGS
got my graduation from comm college info yesterday. ill be done forever there on may 25th!!! im so excited! then just 2 more years and im totally done...kinda...

LA was such fun! it had some moments where i wished i was home, but most of the moments i was glad to be out of sd and with micah ficah having adventures. we stayed with her friend jaime, and it was nice to be with a boy for once. i miss members of the male species. just as normal friends and stuff. arg. ill try and post pics soon...

easter is tomorrow and its my favorite holiday. to bad parents are in europe and im all alone. haha not really. me and annie are going to make a big easter dinner and go to the amazing night service at calvary and be fun. its an open invite too, so maybe other people will end up coming too!

my outreach stuff for the summer is kinda coming together. im frustrated cause i feel like nobody wants me to go...like everyones all cranky about it...and i am to so i need encouragement, not discouragement...ya know? the outreach isnt really anything that God spoke to me about doing for the outreach...like nothing at all actually. but its still coming together so we'll see what happens. i hate how YWAM does everything at the last minute, its so frustrating. if nothing else, id like to go to bangalore again and see the LMC there...i love it there and i miss everyone so much.

i went to maldys bday part last saturday night (week ago) and it was the best night of my life. i saw allll the vpdq people i love and felt loved back cause sometimes i think they're all so self centered and insecure that they cant feel affection for anyone...but i was wrong kinda. and i had lots of dietcoke and vanilla vodka so i was happy happy too. i smoked to many capris tho, and i decided that im over smoking forever and im not even going to keep any on me for when i drink...cause thats really the only time i smoke. its just so bad for u...esp when i make so many other organic and healthy type choices...its just silly.

having annie here is fun, im going to miss her a lot when my parents come home and she goes back to middle-of-nowhere clairemont.

nice to have kelsey home too...but shes real sick which is sad. shes been sick soooo long is awful.

my diet is going well and its not to difficult. i like it.

NOT SO GOOD THINGS
kelseys going home and cassie is back in school

school starts monday and work and im over it. i just have to much going on, i dont know how ive done it for so long.

its all cloudy out so no getting a tan yesterday or today

lolas been pooping and peeing inside everyday all over the house, ive been so frustrated. but shes doing better today! its 530pm and so far nothing inside! yay!

i have this f-ing essay to write and id rather die!!!

ok, here i go again on my own...

come to my easter dinner! so fun! u can come to church if u want to also, but u dont want too.

email/call me for more info.

all my love dear ones.

heres a picture of me and micah in the disneyland hotel bathroom.



sometimes u wish u were our friend huh

SPRING BREAK

well, i havent written in awhile...which is sad for both of us cause u dont get to hear about my amazing and exciting life, annnnd it means ive been to busy to write.

I ONLY HAVE 2 1/2 HOURS LEFT OF WORK AND THEN IM FREE OF SCHOOL AND WORK FOR 9 DAYS!!! so happy.

WELL...

BEST FRIEND
olivia came and left and it was sooo nice to see her! we got her wedding dress! its amazing! and i got my bridesmaid dress, which is equally amazing and actually looks pretty good. itll look extra good when i lose some damn arm fat and get a fricken tan.

HAIR
im thinking of going platinum blonde. and im bored with my haircut. but besides thinking about going blonde all over, and being bored with my haircut. i have no ideas. help me. ive never gone red, ive never gone platinum tho either...and i think for the wedding itd be pretty. i dont wanna kill my hair...but i also am only going to be 21 once right?! this is my mind all the time. now u see my ADD mind. arg. i kinda wanna be girly, but not all the time so i like being dark. maybe when i get contacts and my blue eyes show again the dark will look better. i dunno, i should ask Ciara my stylist.

HOUSE PARTY 2007
parents are out of town! i miss them, but it IS nice to have their HUGE room all to myself and i feel like i have so much more space. annie is staying in my room and its like we're room mates! kelsey slept over last night, and cassie with me. it was so fun. i really pray someday we can all live together...and if its in a few years we'd probably get along even better cause we'll start to know ourselves more and learn even more respect and good communication. someday. so fun.

BABIES
Lola and Bella and Scooter and doing good. Lolas a handful, but everyday shes a little better. Bella is sweet as ever.

FAT ASS
im starting a diet, probably over the weekend. its from www.shaklee.com/donnaturner

Shaklee is like one of those Amway type of companies, and Micahs parents have a business through it to support their life as full time missionarys. anyway, her mom lost a bunch of weight on their diet plan called CINCH. and you know how im all into organic and healthy stuff, and this diet is gluten free and dairy free and even tho its not certified organic by the USDA, all their products are tested for all the stuff im concerned about. so im pretty excited about it. and micahs doing it too (i dont know why tho, the girls thin!), and its portable type stuff. so this is my prep for the wedding and for outreach this summer where i usually get pretty sick from food in other countries...i have a sensative body, its kinda ridiculous.
speaking of outreach, donnas going to give me portions of products ordered through her from people who wanna support me. so its a fundraiser type thing to. more on that later tho...i dont know the details yet.

YWAM DTS SUMMER OUTREACH:
im pretty sure im going. it looks like north east india for about 6 weeks and probably a week before and after in Madison prepping and then recapping. im also going to try REALLY hard to plan a trip down to Bangalore after the time in the NE to see everyone i worked with before down there. i miss them all so much. i still pray for them almost everyday and my life has changed so much from that trip a few years ago. i just love India. to be honost, im kinda cranky about us going to NE India...my DTS leader whos in charge of planning the outreach has a passion for the NE and has gone many times and spends about 6 mon a year there if u added up all her trips...so suprise suprise she felt "lead" for our team to go there. BUT im trying to have a good attitude, and i really do trust her and the other base leaders they've proved themselves wise to me time and time again, but im going to be heartbroken if i dont get to the south while im there. After thats planned, ill probably feel really good about going. but also, we're planning on leaving june 11th and so far i havent heard anything about buying a plane ticket or shots or visas or anything...um hello ywam, this is a big trip...we need to plan! help me to trust You, Lord. You know the best way, i just want to follow that. Help me.

LOVE
i think with olivias wedding planning and how sweet her and micheal are, and my lack of love life for the last few YEARS...ive been a little sad about it the last few days. i know logically that i dont have time for a bf, and that its better i dont have someone cause if he was the one we wouldnt be able to get married for at least 2-3 years...and thats the very least...and its hard to wait that long when you love Jesus and arent having sex...and i also know that i dont really go out to places where i would meet eligible men so its not totally out of my hands...i know all that. BUT ive known all that for a few years and im growing tired of it. i just need to focus on those truths and relax...
"boy...where are you?!"

FUN
me and micah are going on an adventure this week. we leave tuesday i think...we're going up to LA to meet and play with some of her friends. we're going to do some touristy stuff with a girl from Turkey whos never been to LA before (which is so fun cause i love touristy stuff!) and then other things we dont know yet...haha...thats why its an adventure! im excited to get out of fricken SD and be away from work and school for real. if i stay home i just find work to do, whether its house work, Apple, begin some of the mounds of homework i have, ect...so i need to LEAVE. and im looking forward to spending more time with Micah Ficah...i just love her! we're so fun!

ok, back to work now...just 2 hours more!!!

its all happening!
all my love dear ones.

few words

went to a really lovely art show over the weekend with micah ficah. www.braveartshow.com
it was so nice to get out, and spend time with ficah, and be inspired. so nice.
got me feeling like a realy artist...i actually knew the techiniques i was looking at and understood things more. got me excited about my art class again too.

bought new art supplies for our painting unit. i love buying new art supplies.

olivia comes home for a visit on friday! (i think its friday...) i cant wait!!! im looking forward to it sooo much! wedding planning with my best friend!!! so fun!

moms birthday tomm night. nice dinner, family, nice times.

new dog is precious. she loves me best and its so nice to have a new best friend. i got her a new toy lion and elephant, shes so cute with tem. throwing them all around...so funny.



so...im pretty sure im going to India for 2 months this summer.ur asking urself, WHY?! and im telling u, TO CHANGE THE WORLD. im also researching setting up a non-profit for the ministry i went to there before, the Literacy Mission Center. They need help, they need someone in the US to come along side them and support them. im pretty sure i am that person. but i need some help filing the paperwork and knowing where to start...anyone?

ive been listening to Harry Potter #3 on audiobook. micah gave it to me, and its pretty much the most amazing thing of my life. i love it. that was my favorite one (until the recent one) and ive already read it twice, plus the movie...now the audiobook. i just really like him...i wanna go to Hogwarts so bad and hang out with Harry and friends...and have adventures...*sigh*...then again ive had and will have some pretty kick ass adventure traveling the world and trying to change it...so...maybe im the winner in the end.

so im definitly going to bed now and its 930pm. ive been up since 6am so i win.
so sleeepy...

this weeks netflix=
Science of Sleep
Water (india documentary)

cant wait!

got a new book called "The Artists Way"...micah recommended it and it looks really really good. im just not sure i have the time to invest in it right now, so im going to skim it now and maybe invest in it over the summer when i wont be in an art class for 3 months.

im pretty happy. thats nice.

all my love.

new things!

sorry i havent posted in forever. soooo busy.

the hell week, really was hell week. i hardly got any sleep, and was cramming in homework and studying and projects into every second i could...not so fun.
but right when i was about to lose it, (thursday night) everything became amazing!!!

i got accepted to cal state san marcos! ill be going as a liberal studies major with a depth of study in art this fall! YAY!

i got a new doggie! her names Lola and we 'rescued' her from some friends. habla espanol. shes very sweet and cuddly. bella likes her too. we're all friends and its so fun. yesterday i didnt have class till 515pm and i wasnt working and i needed to catch up on sleep...so i did, and they both sat with me in bed pretty much all day...we took a break to watch american idol...and then i went to school. so fun to have 'someone' to be with me when im home...i get lonely. they're like my room mates! teehee.

i passed my CBEST! even the math! woot!

yeah, all that happened on thursday night after i got home from my class at like 9pm...crazy. also that week, best friend got engaged! micah came home! jens 21st birthday! it ended up being the best and worst week ever.

now its thursday again. thursdays im at school from 9am-930pm. with two awesome 3hr breaks where all i do is homework...or this. and then i have to work friday mornings at 730am so it pretty much sucks every week.

i got some art projects back. i did well! im not as bad as i think.

for jens bday we went to Dstreet and the saloon. i think im kinda over the whole bar scene, unless i go with friends...which is pretty normal i think. im just not crazy about the type of people who go there...typically i have NOTHING in common with them and most of the guys are just looking for something i aint givin...the girls are all slutty and unfortunate looking...the drinks are super expensive...its just not fun. but, like i said, everytime ive gone with friends its pretty fun. if its quieter and we can talk and be fun and relax...instead of worrying about if our boob fell out of our shirt. actually, if some girls worried about that, itd be kinda nice. seems like they usually want that to happen. stay classy san diego.

its nice having micah home. i missed her a lot. we're so comfortable with eachother we can just sit and do whatever...and we like a lot of the same things other friends of mine dont. im finding that thats how friends are. theirs all different ones that each bring out or encourage different things in us. we need all of them to stay sane and balanced. the good ones bring out the good, the bad ones bring out the bad. friends.

so the people in my art class. somedays i really like some of them, most days i dislike all of them. they're just so weird...they seem really full of themselves but also like thats only a show and they're super insecure. or they move from being over confident and back to insecure all the time. stressful. all the mexican kids became friends and speak in spanish all the time...a few of them hardly speak english actually. its weird. haha, my favorite is this like 30yr old lady who dresses like a 15 year old slutty girl...shes very pretty, but she looks ridiculous. haha, shes funny. the class has hardly spoken to eachother besides who u sit right next to. i dunno, im just not really stoked on it. i dont need help feeling unbalanced thanks.

can we discuss Me Without You for a minute. today ive been listening to old school Catch For Us the Little Foxes as i walk to and from my classes and while ive been studying and stuff. are they kidding?! its so amazing! im just like...in awe...i keep wanting to dance around while im walking, but im too cool for school to do that. he sings like hes wooing me...in this honest, poetic, but almost painful way. and it makes u wanna dance and scream all at the same time. in fact, sometimes i do, teehee.

read his poetry and then listen to the song. cause just when you think it cant get any better...it does. oh it does.

all my love dear ones.

"Torches Together" -Catch For Us the Foxes
Me Without You

Why burn poor and lonely?
Under a bowl, or under a lampshade,
or on the shelf beside the bed
where at night you lay turning like a door on its hinges
(first on your left side, then on your right side, then your left side again).
Why burn poor and lonely?
Tell all the stones we're gonna make a building.
We'll be cut into shape, and set into place
or if you'd rather be a window,
I'll gladly be the frame.
Reflecting any kind words,
we'll let in all the blame
(and ruin our reputation all the same)
So never mind our plan making.
We'll start living!
Anyway, aren't you unbearably sad?
Then why burn so poor and lonely?

We'll be like torches!
We'll be like torches!
We'll be like torches!
Oh, we'll be torches together, torches together!
We'll be like torches!
We'll be like torches
with whatever respect out tattered dignity demands.
Torches together, hand in hand.

Why pluck one string?
What good is just one note?
Oh, one string sounds fine I guess, and we were once 'one notes'.
We were lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain
(What light and momentary pain!)
So why this safe distance, this curious look?
Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book?
Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?
Strum the guitar!
Strum the guitar!
Strum the guitar!
Strum the guitar!
With no beginning, with no end
Take down a guitar and strum the guitar!
Strum the guitar if you're afraid,
And I'm afraid and everyone's afraid
and everyone knows it, but we don't have to be afraid anymore.

You played the flute but no one was dancing,
You sang a sad song and none of us cried.

the week from hell

is this week.

its true.

working for loker 24hrs.
midterms and projects due in all my classes.
supposed to work for apple for 15hrs.

but the good news is that its wednesday and the weeks half over! but not really cause, i still have 2 hours of work here and then awful math class and then i have to finish my art project and psyc project...bleh.

but the other good news is that i can do all that art homework along with next top model (last week sucked, hopefully it will get better)...LOST...and if im still working, The Illusionist. i got the illusionist from netflix along with little miss sunshine, which i watched last night which was so good! loved it, i knew i would...i was just gone while it was in theatres and havent had the chance to rent it yet.

annie might be getting a bella dog! wouldnt that be AMAZING!

yesterday i got the Friends delux version of the game "scene it" for a dollar! thats right, $1.00. amazing. im going to win...except i suck at small details so maybe not.

micahs home! yay! but i still havent had the chance to see her (see my busy week above) so im hoping we can find some time this weekend. saturday night my dads taking me to see the secret garden by lambs players and im excited cause i think they made into a musical and i spend most days being 12 years old, so this shall be enjoyable.

last night i ate beef and it made me sick. obviously. so i said no to the ice cream (dads bday) for obvious reasons.

brother got a real haircut and is looking for a new job. keep ur ears open, hes very qualified and can pretty much work 5 days a week except T/TH when he attempts to go to school. also, micah and tisha are both looking for temp work for a few months...they're very qualified in office type work and prob wont take less then 12$ hour, nor should they!

still no word about my outreach this summer.

BEST FRIEND OLIVIA IS ENGAGED!!! im the 2nd happiest girl in the world! 2nd to her of course.

i dont know if i wanna get my credential in california. the schools here suck and they're very political and crowded and CA has the most requirements for teachers so the credential program is a bitch. maybe i should move to washington and get my credential there? BUT if i get it for CA then i can move anywhere and ill have all the requirements, except in a few states i would have to take like one class or something. being a teacher is awesome, i can teach wherever i want.

i just wanna be done with my BA so i can MOVE ON.

PS: boy moved away and ive forgotten all about him. obviously.


AMAZING!

im starting a fashion line

i decided.
not because im super fashionable, but because i have good ideas. after all, i am an artist;)

so this evening i took a break from people (actually my family had plans but then broke them and i didnt feel like going out after my nap after work so...)
and watched Running with Scissors
and drew sketches of my ideas.

yeah, im awesome.

so the movie.
i really wanted to see it, but it kinda freaked me out. i thought it was supposed to be funny, but it was only depressing. i think because it hits close to home with me and crazy people. im afraid im going to turn out like the mom...minus the lesbian part. its the weird fear that i have about being a mother and not being able to handle all the stress and all my issues coming back. its not a totally irrational fear. so the movie freaked me out.

i just realized something. thats how satan works, especially with me. because he knows my weakness is the fear of being crazy. and theirs a grain of possibility in the fact that i could go crazy when im stressed and have kids and theirs not escape. and hes sticking hot pokers into my sore spots.
get behind me satan.

ok, moving on cause i just revealed a lot about myself and considering the last blog was about M&M's this is a lil too much for the audience.

bella is the most amazing dog in the world. shell just sit and look at me all cute telling me she wants some attention. or she'll "snuff" if she wants to eat or go outside. so smart! annnd she understands the words "wanna go outside?" and "wanna eat?" and "go potty bella" and "wanna go for a walk?" and "get down" and "go out" and "come here"
of course it could all by voice inflexion and the energy in my voice. but then i wouldnt have a best friend, now would i.

im going to buy a lot of shoes this weekend. im excited.
YAY!

still trying to figure out spring break trip options. i know who i wish i was going with and where. even multiple trip ideas with different friends and destinations...sadly none of them are to be. as of right now that is...

my parents leave soon. well not really...less then a month tho.

mid terms next week. DEATH.

tomm i get my toenails done! going to see amazing grace!
i LOVE saturdays!!!

M&M's

peanut M&M's will be the death of me.
recently discovered and purchased by my mother from cosco, we know have enough in the house to survive off of for a year.

im already addicted and its a problem.

bella just told me to take the giant bag downstairs cause its to loud and scary...i think im going to listen to her and also drink a gallon of water to even the handful i just ate.

PS: i got my hair done and i look good again

this weekend me and cassie r going to see Amazing Grace and im excited. historical story! period movie! God! human rights! im all in!

i think that boy moved away again. im sad i lost my kinda new friend who was kinda a jerkface...

ok, that was my last M&M

night.


we're secretly evil.
we put an addictive chemical in ourselves to make u crave for it nightly!

i watch too much tv.

all i do is go to work.
go to my classes.
during my breaks i sleep in my car or do homework.
i come home and take bella for a walk and eat something.
then i do more homework.
sleep more.

and watch too much tv.

since when did i get into american idol?
im totally hooked, its ridiculous.
and americas next top model? who am i?!

actually, im not too excited about ANTM, i dont think any of the girls are very pretty and the ones who are pretty have really ugly insides (attitudes)...and the judges get on my nerves, especially tyra. ill try again next week and if i still dont like it ill give up on it. last season was so good. im ridiculous.

american idol?! WHO AM I?! but all the black girls can sing sooo good! its amazing! i want them to do well so they'll make a record and i can buy it...all the white girls need to hurry up and get voted off so the real competition can get started. actually, i guess im not that bad cause i only can stand to watch it on tivo cause ryan and judges and even the contestants annoy me...haha

i even tivoed the Oscars and got all into that too...well, kinda. none of the movies nominated i wanted to see or saw...except Pans Labyrinth and marie anntoinette...the others werent really my kind of movies so i passed on seeing them. EXCEPT i realllly want to see little miss sunshine, i was MIA when it was in theatres and its on my netflix cue so we'll see what happens with that. i also wanna see The Illusionist...looks really good and i heard it was good and edward norton is my lover.

im lonely.
i dont have any friends.
except on weekends.
i just want some nice christian girls (not "christian" girls, like real people who are actively pursuing the Lord) who have some similar interests as me and we all live together and study together and take trips and take care of bella and cook and clean and watch stupid tv together and are fun.

but no.
instead i hang out with my dog all the time and watch too much tv and hate school and work and go shopping instead.

goodtimes.


i just like her. shes cute and pretty and happy. and can sing pretty too.



caridee was the best.

I NEED A LIFE

weekends are the BEST

cause cassie comes home and plays with me!

and its like...

all week being thirsty and just wishing for a drink of water...

and then she comes and its like taking in a big refreshing drink of amazingly thirst quenching water...

and church was so good tonight, God is just so amazing and constantly overwhelming me with everything He has for me.

ive been watching american idol lately, WHO AM I???!!!

currently im watching TiVoed Oscars and thats funny cause i love Ellen, and i love movies, and i love pretty dresses...who am i?! silly

ok i am cracking up cause ellen is so fricken funny...

bleh im tired of school...i don wanna go anymore...

RAINY DAY!

skipped school cause i havent all semester and my classes suck and i wasnt up for a 12hr day there...so im just going tonight to psyc (see how i did on my test!) and stayed up late last night watching LOST with annie and bella and had a few drinks...so fun! and today we got to sleep in and go out to lunch and now we're watching a kinda lame movie, employee of the month.

i love dane cook

and i really love bella...shes snuggly and funny...

i dont wanna go to school anymore...lets boycott...but i do like my psyc class on thursday nights and i should be graduating with my AA sooo soon...*sigh*...bleh school bleh.

shopshopshop

shopped all day.
played with old friends all night.
watched my favorite shows.
laughed and laughed.
ate good food.
feet are killing me.
the santa anas are amazing me.
my dog is being cute.
im really tired.
that boy hasnt called yet.
im starting to get annoyed again.
i think this is his last chance.
for real though.

love love.

marie antoinette

such a fricken good movie.
i saw it opening night, and bought it the day it came out. then downloaded the soundtrack while looking for costumes for future halloween parties. (not gonna happen i dont think, altho i may buy a cheap wig and wear an old prom dress and gaudy jewelry...its quite awhile away so im not to worried;)

not to mention my lover Jason Shwartzman is in the movie. love.



marie antoinette


i was always pretty interested in her. ive read her biography a few times, went to versaille a couple years ago (yes, its as gaudy as the movie portrayed it...actually i remember being there and being annoyed with how out of touch with reality they were cause its SO extravagent...pride screws the whole world up)

i actually have a postcard pack i bought from there with pictures of the different rooms and the hall of mirrors and stuff. i didnt go to her retreat tho, it was quite a walk and supposedly nothing too exciting...but now im so bummed i didnt go. i think we also went to her jail cell where she was kept for a few years...that was crazy. that poor girl, she was like my age...crazy.

anyway.
today i worked a lot. super busy. as soon as i got home at 4pm i had a snack and then went to sleep until 9pm.

guess whos coming into my office next week to meet with one of the tenants in my office?! (the tenant is the ambassador from panama and will actually be running for prez of panama soon...crazy right) DONALD TRUMP. ok so i dont like donald trump, but hes going to be in my lil office...ill get him coffee...crazy right! and apparently hes come in before since the ambassador doesnt meet with anyone but CEO's of companys. and on friday i was helping the guys with copying things and getting them coffee and stuff, and the guy they were meeting was so nice...kept saying thank u over and over and calling me sweetie...apparently he was some prince from africa!!!

this is my life.
i make copies and get coffee for royalty. awesome. and that awful man donald trump.
haha

anyway,
my much awaited long weekend is finally here!!!

hmm...

valentines day

wasnt today, but it was yesterday. i thought i would tell u about mine.

well i made an amazing dinner of pasta and chicken and salad, and those amazing cookies u cut the dough and cook them for dessert. boy cameover and brought me roses! and we ate in the nice dining room with the roses gleaming from the center of the table. then we ate cookies and drank wine and watched Garden State and cuddled on the couch with Bella of course. then he kissed me and told me he loved me and went home a little early cause we both had work this morning. perfect!!!

ok fine, none of that actually happened...BUT i decided that it would have been the perfect valentines day if there was an actual boy who was as lovely as he is expected to be. how low maintenance am i?! i am awesome. and cause then the present from me is dinner and the present from him is roses and we dont have to be poor or disappointed! *sigh* maybe next year.

but actually, i wasnt sad at all and im not now either. i really was fine, and all these cute people had flowers and balloons and i just liked it and thought it was so sweet. i love love. its just a testament to how God has worked in my life to the point that i dont feel like a need any boy...im quite fine with being single for now (most days;) and ive grown sooo much from these few years of just me and God. He's raised the standard tho, so the boy for me has a lot to live up to.

on that note. im about 85% sure that a lovely boy likes me. theirs so much involved tho to why i dont think it will work...but i just really like spending time with him...he makes me feel good about myself (in a healthy way, not in an unhealthy way)...and treats me like a lady...and makes me laugh...and good conversation...and either way, its just nice to have a new guy friend who enjoys to do things my current friends dont...
if nothing else, its another example of attributes i know exist in men in the world. all is not lost!

i think my boss is having an affair with the girl who works for his company and kinda works with me. it makes me nervous and gets on my nerves. basically my nerves are shot. haha, but only when i think about it or when they act weird...otherwise i just enjoy my time at work away from school...and all i have to do is make copies and pay bills for a lovely 12$ an hour.

i got monday off work!!! but NO ONE is home this weekend.

maybe the boy...

ill keep u updated.
cause i know u care if uve read this far;)

lovelove.

long week

sorry i havent posted in awhile. nothing much to report i guess.
just working and schooling.

saturday morning me and melissa took the gigantic CBEST. its a test for future teachers, basic reading writing and math skills. pretty easy, but sooo long (4hrs) and random crap u havent done since early high school or even junior high. california really needs to get their education system for preparing teachers together. its sooo confusing and the weirdest type of testings and types of degrees and its the state with the most requirements to teach and the worst schools. aRRg.

last night me and cassie watched my favorite movie of all time, Almost Famous. ive seriously seen in a million times, and everytime its amazing. i cant even say anymore cause my words arent good enough.

i should get the special edition pack that came out a few years ago.hmm


still nothing about valentines day. to be honost, im going to be working all day and then class and then lots of homework for thursday...soo...
but marie anntoinette comes out tuesday so maybe that will be my gift to myself. good movie too.

it was nice to spend more time with cassie. we're fun.

i went to breakfast today with old friends from santa fe! so fun! i was so exhauted and groggy that im suprised i made it through! it was nice to see them and catch up, and im excited that we might play again next weekend. yay! friends!

church tonight was really good of course. i need to work on my passion. my excuse to God was that im so tired and busy, which is true. but He told me that His love isnt tiring or meant to be more then i can handle, and that being passionatly in love with Him makes everything else in my life easier to handle. so im going to work on that tomorrow. i love Him. and i forget how much He loves me.

i need to be nicer to people in my mind. i dislike a lot of people and keep thinking that if i move out of friggen socal itd be better, but i don kno. i just need to be loving.

so thats all.

and PS: im so tired i dont kno how im functioning right now. im going to bed at 9pm and i dont care what u say behind my back! paying attention in church was rough. im going to read my rolling stone and say good night thank u.

vday survey

2 posts in one day cause i have 1/2 a day off:)

[01] Is there anyone you like at the moment?
yeah, kinda

[02] Have you ever given or been given roses?
yes, years and years ago

[03] What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
gardenstate or the notebook

[04] How many times have you honestly been in love?
1

[05] Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
kinda. i believe that theirs many people we're perfect for and who are perfect for us, but God knows who the final answer will be.

[06] Do you think that you should put your friends first?
my friends first in what?

[07] Have you ever had your heart broken?
yeah, it sucks

[08] What do you think about long-distance relationships?
good and bad at the same time. u get to know the person really well in some aspects but its super hard to be away from them, and u dont get to know when in other aspects. so it depends on the people of course.

[09] Your thoughts on online relationships?
haha-this is me laughing-haha

[10] Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
five years older always. younger would never work.

[11] Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
yeah, all the time...its confusing and i dont like it

[12] Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
not always. if he is a christian and willing to work out things with God and me, then he gets ONE more chance. otherwise, none.

[13] How many kids do you want to have?
as many as we can afford. i only want to give birth to one or two, but then i want to adopt bunches abd bunches!!! india, thailand, china, africa, south america...i cant wait!!!

[14] Do you usually fall for the right boy/girl?
considering ive been single for like 3 years or so. lets go with no.

[15] What is your favorite color?
pink and black. sometimes green, but not to wear

[16] What are your views on gay marriages?
o gosh. for me this is more difficult to answer then it is for 'normal' people. i love all people, but practicing homosexual activity is a sin just like any other sin. (ex: stealing, cheating on ur spouse, abuse, addictions to things, ect...)i try not to judge homosexual people because of their choices, so when its my choice i dont vote for gay people to have the right to marriage because of my beliefs. BUT i also understand that not everyone shares my beliefs, so i dont expect people to understand or agree with me.

but on a governmental basis, i see that having some states say gay marriage is legal and in others its not, is silly. its either all or nothing. what if they move? what about federal vs. state laws?

with all things considered i dont think gay marriage is a good thing. but i love gay people, i have lots of friends and lots of ex-gay friends (which is a whole nother discussion)

[17] Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you re-marry? no, id like to think that id be to distraught over losing the love of my life and best friend.

[18] At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
6th grade i think...aww memories

[19] What song do you want to hear at your wedding?
whatever "our" song is, but i want it to be kinda ecletic, not a typical corny one. maybe a damien rice one thats not angry or depressed. maybe a coldplay one. oooo iron and wine...aww itll be nice...

[20] Do you think that someone likes you?
sometimes. but sometimes im sure they dont. like right now. arg.

---
im not yet excited for vday. no boy. no plans. nada. and its been this way for too long. someone come and sweep me off my feet already.

lovelove.

TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!!

NEW LOST TONIGHT TONIGHT!!!

stupid producers think its fun to cut the season in half and make us all wait for the final 9 episodes. good thing i had season 1 to comfort me during this wretched time.

im a dork.
but im excited.
annnnd im excited to see annie after shes been gone for days and days...

im going to get some wine...
ooo and we'll eat pei wei!

just like oldtimes!!!

just a few hours more...

another reason i dislike school

today in my literatue class he read us a poem that ended up being about some guys erected penis. and the one we're studying for homework is about some lesbian questioning her sexuality.

all professors care about is using their podeium to preach to their classes about their political, philosophical, and anything else they can get away with, to influenciable students in their classrooms.

constantly i have to be on guard for what my professors are trying to convince me of whether its about evolution, christians known beliefs in things (like how supposedly all christians hate gay people...well heres the thing professor...), philosophical things, iraq and government issues, pretty much everything.

it sucks. most days i wish i went to a christian school, but this week ive been thinking about how in a christian school they wouldnt even teach questionable material, rather then teaching a christian perspective to questionable material.
if i had to choose, id choose to NOT live in a christian bubble, but it gets exhausting having to either argue in class, or even just keep tabs on my own mind to not believe what they say or then i have to go home and research what i believe in so im not confused.

im also worried about when im a teacher and have to teach in schools to kids. the public school system is horrible with this kind of liberal atheistic crap and im nervous. but i dont have any good experiences with christian private schools either...cause im not super conservative about a lot of stuff either. so maybe teach to a family or in a charter school or something in between public and private. and of course my dream of teaching art to kids in india. and teaching art to american study abroad students in italy. and teaching english abroad too. *sigh* i cant wait to be done with school.

lovelove.

manic monday

today.
pondering and thinking about moving out.

i think i can afford it now, working 30hrs a week and school seems to be balancing well. im worried about the next 2 years in school tho, it'll be my major classes and preparing to graduate, so im worried that ill get to stressed trying to balance school and work. school comes first and i get emotionally sick when i work too much. i also dont want to get distracted, but i need friends. its hard to be alone all the time.

the other issue is my doggie. she would be devastated if i left. and equally upset if i took her away from mom. and i cant leave her. so i dont know how to handle that either. but i cant stay here forever. maybe ill just wait for the opportunity to come up and then see what happens. like, if someone has an open space or something...then ill see what God says about those things. but not go looking for it. even tho im so tempted.

that stupid boy wont call me. and i miss him and hes leaving soon and i just want to hang out and laugh.

im watching MTV "engaged and underage", shes getting her first bikini wax for her honeymoon. awkward. her future mother inlaw and sister in law are doing it for her. haha
the grooms family is really cute and christian and excited. they waited to have sex and its cute.

aww i cant wait to get married. well, i can. but still, when the time comes its going to be so fun! but until then, im fine without a husband. but i really do want some more boys in my life. even just guy friends, all this alone time is getting ridiculous. i need male attention.

at dts i remember learning that women need at least 20 non-sexual attention a day. like, a hug, a pat of the back, an affirmation, attention, ect...
i need that.

i like movies. its weird. i tried to tivo my fav movie breakfast at tiffanys, but the tivo is broken. i really need to get cable and tivo in my room. i offered to pay for it, but its all confusing and needs special attention.

i graduate with my AA this spring!!!

i think i need to apply for that soon...hmm

what i did today

slept.
all day.
im ridiculous.

nothing else sounded appealing.
and my weeks are so stressful, i deserve it.

went to bed at midnight.
woke up at 930.
church from 11-1230ish.
lunch till about 130pm
slept until 6pm.
i am awesome.

tomorrow i start all over again.
i boycotted my homework today, ill just do it tomorrow. or maybe a little right now.

tomorrow i reception all day, ill probably have lots of time to work on my homework there. and then math class. and then homework for tuesday.

so if im not going to visit olivia in oregon. i need to think of another place to go and other people to go with.
im thinking new york. but thatd be more money cause its not just a flight and food then, id also have to pay for the place to stay and all the stuff i wanna do.
i think id have enough money tho.

we'll see what happens.

lovelove.

PS: colts won woo?! dont care

bleh school bleh

long week.

i got paid! yay! but now i think olivia might be coming down here the sametime im planning to go up there? so now i dont know if ill be going to see her during spring break. maybe i can go to san fran then, or even the beloved new york which i have yet to grace my precense with.
either way, i need to buy a ticket soon if im going anywheres.

today is my saturday. a much celebrated event. the only day off ive had in 2 weeks! sundays is like a half day off cause i get to sleep in usually, but then i have homework for hours and hours and then church for awhile and then have to go to bed early. so i dont count it.

im not sick anymore! woot! just a little flemmy.

in about an hour im going to be meeting with the lovely melissa to 'study' for the CBEST im taking next weekend. we're both taking it at the same place and same time! hooray! it shouldnt be too hard since its just very basic reading and writing and math skills, but its looooong and goes ALL day. so next saturday night ill be ready for a drink for sure;)

kelsey and annie are up in san fran for the weekend visiting jordan. im sad, i wish i could have gone. but i cant miss work or school for that long, especially since i just started 2 weeks ago and i work at the receptionist job only 2 days a week and cant miss both of them. it was just to crazy. but i love san fran and it would have been so fun! i know we'll go again soon.

last night me and the german went to chipotle and to see the painted veil. (how long have i been waiting to see that movie?!) i liked it lots. but i thought naomi watts had some really weak scenes where she was supposed to be very strong, and her costumes didnt really go with her character...but it was one of the better movies of last year, so i was really glad to see an actual good movie for once. and it was only rated PG13 so i didnt have to witness any gnarly sex scenes which is always very upsetting.

i wonder what im going to do tonight after i play with melissa. i know who i want to hang out with, but thats a secret. ill tell u in a few weeks.

what am i going to do for valentines day? i havent had a valentine in years...sad face. maybe ill get dressed up and get tanked. haha no. maybe annie will take me on a date;)

they're selling a hot pink camera at wal mart within my price range. im pretty sure i need to tap that.

today i stayed in bed until 3pm. i woke up at like 10am and just read all day, and then took a little nap. now im up and have to go meet melissa soon! i think im going to take my fat dog and my fat self for a walk. fresh air. birds.grass. those things.

i promise im more interesting then this blog may suggest.
take me out for valentines day and ull find out. hehe

lovelove.