Thursday, November 04, 2010


Ok so I did something ridiculous and checked Number 2's FB even though I know he has it SUPER private. I knew he would have changed SOMETHING to say if he had gotten into Notre Dame and I wanted to see if he'd gotten in and didn't tell me or if he didn't get in and obviously never told me.

Well, sure enough his "grad school" has Notre Dame class of 2013 added to it.

Initially I had a huge smile and was so happy for him.

Then REALLY sad because I always made him promise that whatever happened between us, I wanted to know if he got in or not. Literally, Notre Dame took over my life for A YEAR. I know EVERYTHING there is to know about the MBA application process, GRE, coursework, essays, EVERYTHING. To the point that as I am researching schools now for my MA I am a little edgy about it.

It just reminds me of him. And of us. We were a team. I read his essays. Helped him study. Made him go out and take breaks. It became a part of me too.

Annnnnnd then I messaged him.

Sorry. But it happened. And I cant take it back. And I analyzed it for a long time before doing it and just wanted to do it.
It was super simple...

"I just wanted to check and see if you got in...

and sure enough...

congratulations love.

now i am applying for grad school...wish you were around.

hope your doing well."

see? harmless.

Although I don't really know what I want to happen from that.

I mean...I dont want him to feel bad and call me and start all of this crap over again.

I think maybe I want him to feel shitty about himself when he reads it?

"Like, hey douche bag! remember me? the girl who got you through all of that? Who you treated like shit? Well now you should feel even worse because now she needs you even more and your not around. Dick."

I still have a hard time even saying his real name. I just call him dickhead or asshole when referring to him most of the time. When I say his real name I can feel the screw twisting in my heart. Its less and less everyday. But its still there.

I know he won't message me back. Which is another reason why I dont know why I even bothered. Now its going to drive me crazy for days. But its just hard not to care about him, ya know? And hard not to want him to feel like shit at the same time.

PS: Next week is the last week of the "6 week rule". True, I dont think about him 24/7 anymore and dont cry all the time. And yes, I see everything that was wrong while I was ignoring it before. But I am still sad. I miss kissing him (best kisser EVER), and I miss our hot passion and chemistry that was always ridiculous, and I miss talking late on the phone, and I miss checking my phone and seeing his missed calls all the time. I miss how he would always compliment me and make me laugh. He would even sing to me, it was hilarious.

BUT I am NOT crying as I reminisce right now. So theres that. At least we have that.

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