Sunday, November 14, 2010

Now, I'm Just Tired

"Now could you be inspired? Now, I'm just tired"- Lyrics from a lovely Azure Ray song, "Drinks We Drank Last Night". Pretty much feels like my life right now. I try and go to sleep early but it's never enough. I wake up exhausted. Am tired all day. I have even been taking my vitamins and walking everyday! I dont know whats going on. Maybe its just the transition of everything...and because I am almost done with my pill pack so I might be a little weird. hmm.

For some reason along with my tiredness comes me missing Number 2. A lot. Now I am at the point where I can't remember all the shit. All I remember is the sweet things he would say to me. All my missed calls. The "I just wanted to hear your voice". When he would tell me he loved me. How intimate and precious we were together. Those moments when you are totally naked and vulnerable with a person and so happy and content and perfect, but terrified at the same time because you don't want it to ever go away. And then it does go away. And then your right here. Exactly where you were deathly afraid of ever being.

I mean, theres nothing you can really do about it. Just carry on. Enroll yourself in yoga and art classes. Join a bunch of random meet up groups online and try to meet fun new people. Go out with your friends and hear them tell you about their dates and make outs and boyfriends and husbands and be genuinely interested and happy for them, but a little sad and jealous too...even though you know you aren't really even ready for that yet anyway. So instead you go to bed early. Spend $100 on vibrators. Bake for yourself. Cuddle with your dog. Clean your room and apartment.

And let your heart remember all the lovely things that once were.

And endure the hurt that shakes your very being.

Because now it's as if he never existed.

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